


Balancing With A Diving Heart

by TortiTabby



Series: BWADH VERSE [1]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Circus, Alternate Universe - Historical, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, Happy Ending, Homophobia, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Minor Character Death, Non-Graphic Violence, Period-Typical Homophobia, Very Minor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-13
Updated: 2019-06-11
Packaged: 2019-10-27 09:09:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 23,574
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17763920
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TortiTabby/pseuds/TortiTabby
Summary: Phil runs away to the Circus in search for a more exciting life than his spot in his family's cabinetmaking business promised him. The Circus is immediately alive and buzzing around him with excited and smiling faces, except for the one that belongs to the tall boy across the way who wont stop glaring daggers at him.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I'm so excited to write and share this fic.  
> I will be updating it weekly around Wednesdays, give or take a day depending on my schedule.  
>   
> Thank you to Emily for the title!  
>   
> And Thank you so much to Callie for being my beta (even in the middle of midterms)  
>   
> 

Phil wasn't cut out to work in a cabinetmaker company. He had no desire to work with his hands all day and was clumsy with tools that had no business being in his inexperienced possession. It wasn't that his father didn't try to teach him the ways of the family business, they just never seemed to stick with him. 

His older brother was brilliant at it. He would make cabinets with quirky and intricate designs that their parents would laugh and praise them before he'd sand it out to the perfect boring cabinet they were known for. 

Phil's heart panged and the thought of the family he was leaving, betraying really. It hadn't been a conscious decision. He knew for quite some time he wouldn't be joining the business that he was expected to. There weren't other options. It was a small town and his place in it had been determined without his say years ago. 

When the whispers started of the giant tents that were being set up a few towns away with the traveling nomads living exciting lives, he knew what he had to do. 

The note was written and there was no going back. 

 

The enormous red and blue striped tent billowed in front of him. It was tall, taller than the nearby trees and he would be hard pressed to find a building he's seen that was taller. 

He had never felt smaller than he did in that moment. 

Or more free. 

He certainly never felt the rush of adrenaline pumping through his veins working on any old cabinet.

He hesitated, the life he was leaving behind wasn’t a bad one, and that first step forward was committing to doing so.

 

His leg was difficult to force to move, as he took the fateful step forward and a deep breath in of the cool night air. Muffled music was blaring from inside of the tent and the gasps and claps from the audience seemed to be choreographed along with it in perfect tune. 

This was a well ran circus. Some people complained that this particular show had less wild and dangerous creatures than other circuses, but they made up for it with undisputed talent.  

“Looking to join?” A petite woman in a red and gold leotard with shimmering gold paint across half of her face stood next to Phil.  He didn't even see her walk up.

“You just … can?” he asked, surprised.

She laughed a twinkling laugh that reminded Phil of his mother's windchimes over her bedroom window. The stranger’s strawberry blonde hair cascaded over her petite shoulders.

“No.” she smiled. “Only the show is about to end for the night and I recognize that look in your eyes.”

“Oh,” Phil could feel his heart plummet. There wasn't an alternative choice in case he couldn't join. 

“I'm Sophia. I'm the contortionist, or” she cupped her mouth to put on a fake announcers voice, ‘The Bendable Woman!!’”

“Phil.” he replied simply,  still trying to keep his dinner down at the thought of turning back now. 

She seemed to take in Phil's progressing panic. “Listen, I can talk to everyone and find you a place here. It'll be hard work and it might just be moving all of the stuff around, at least to start with. You have to be serious about this.” 

Phil nodded eagerly. “I am. I'll earn my keep, I swear.” 

The applause from the tent was deafening as onlookers from all around the area piled out, talking animatedly to each other about the treat they just saw.

“Come on,” She tugged on his arm and lead him through the crowd. “I’ll introduce you to Abram. He’s our Ringleader and has the final say.” 

 

“You think you want to join the Circus, eh? Running away from some problems in your life?” A stout older man with a curled mustache stared Phil down. 

“I do.” Phil said firmly. “There will be no problems, sir. I- I can’t stand a life where all I do is make cabinets with my family.” He winced, he was always the one to overshare. “I don’t want a dull and boring life, sir. I’ll do what it takes to stay with the Circus.”

The man stared at him for a few moments before he guffawed loudly. His wide belly shook as he laughed. “No dancing around it. I like you, kid. Any tricks up your sleeve? I can’t promise a place in front of the lights for you but you can work at it and get there eventually.” 

Sophia beamed over at him at that.

“I’m good at balancing. I don’t know if it’ll be good enough, sir, but I’m willing to learn.” 

Abram clapped Phil hard on the back. “Well we’ll see what you’re made of in the light tomorrow morning. I already have a star contortionist,” he nodded at Sophia. “And I have the best trapeze artist you can find but we could always give him some company way up there. You lucked out tonight, kid- they’re done moving everything around and setting up. We are due here for another two nights so we’ll talk in the morning and meanwhile keep your head down and jump in if someone needs help.”

He waltzed over to Sophia and pulled her to his side to talk to her. 

Phil politely looked away to give them some privacy and made eye contact with a lanky boy who was scrubbing furiously in a mirror at the dark face paint that sparkled in the light. It was as black as the night and ran down his face in one glittery stripe over one of his eyes. It was matched with silver lips. His outfit was made of the same colors with shimmering sequins and his hair was a mess of curls. He was stunning. Phil felt his heart clench in the familiar forbidden way it did when faced with the raw beauty of another man.  

He met Phil’s eyes in the dirty reflection of the mirror with his own that were a pretty amber complimented by the black paint. He wore a tired, cold expression and continued to stare blankly at Phil, who’s hair began to stand up on the back of his neck. This guy couldn’t have ever met Phil before yet somehow it was apparent he without a doubt just  _ hated  _ him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you'd like to reblog on tumblr you can [right here! ](https://tortitabby.tumblr.com/post/182806531655/balancing-with-a-diving-heart)


	2. Chapter 2

 

“You can share a tent with Dan for now!” Sophia said as she bounced back over to Phil. She followed his gaze. “Yeah that’s him! How did you know?”

“I- can’t I stay in your tent?”

She arched an eyebrow “I wouldn’t argue with Abram, no matter how friendly he seems.” 

She lead Phil to a small white tent and plopped a pile of blankets and some extra clothes into his arms. “You’re all set! Tread softly the next week or so. Not everybody is so friendly. You got lucky you ended up with me and Dan.” 

Phil wanted to argue that he didn’t feel lucky. He didn’t want to follow her dancing into the too-small tent as she called out a warning to be dressed because she was coming in, ready or not.

“Sophia you didn’t give me any time to get dressed if I would have been undressed!” The striking man from before stood scolding her. He was in a loose long sleeve shirt and gray pants that seemed too baggy to be the right size.

“I’m just keeping you on your toes.” Sophia laughed. “This is Phil. He’ll be your new tent-mate!” 

Dan made a sour face.

“Abram said.” She added. He sighed and waved her away. 

“Bye Phil! Rest up for tomorrow. It’s going to be hard work!!” She planted a swift kiss on Dan’s cheek before spinning out of the tent leaving the two boys alone.

“You can have that bed.” Dan nodded toward a cot near Phil. “Mine is this one. Don’t touch anything that isn’t yours.” 

He collapsed onto the bed before Phil could reply and turned to face in the opposite direction.

Phil shrugged his old clothes off and pulled on the pajama’s Sophia brought him. He crawled into the bed with the itchy wool blankets. Dan put out the light. 

The inky black of the night sky seemed to flood into their tent. The sounds of people still moving around, chatting to each other and coughing filled the air. It was a foreign feeling being around so many people. So many  _ strangers _ . 

A sudden deafening growl sounded out through their camp and Phil nearly gave himself whiplash from sitting up so fast. It was the kind of sound that flooded his instincts to run and hide and never find whatever distraught beast it came from. Whatever roared had to be huge. All of his hair stood on end and he found himself trying to catch his breath from the fear.

“What was- what- what was that?” He fumbled to find his words. 

Dan rolled over and peered at Phil, his face lit up by the sliver of moon shining through a tiny opening.

“That’s the lion. He’s in a big cage. You’re safe.” He said quietly. It was clear he was annoyed to be having this conversation.

“That’s,” Phil hesitated. “That’s really sad.” 

“Hmm. Yeah.” Dan said softly. “He’s kind of sweet, really. Nobody here respects that wild animals should stay in the wild.”  His voice lacked the venom from earlier. 

“What’s his name?” Phil whispered.

He could see Dan roll, flat onto his back. His eyes were closed but his lips were pulled into a sad frown. “He doesn’t have one.”

“Lion the lion?” Phil suggested so quietly he was sure Dan didn’t hear him. 

The frown turned to the smallest smile. Dan turned and met his eyes. “Lion the lion.” 

They laid there quietly, each of them lost in their own thoughts. Phil saw Dan’s chest finally slow to soft, even breaths and struggled to keep his own eyes open as his exhales seemed to match Dan’s.

 

“You need to get up.” Dan was shoving Phil’s shoulder. “You’re in my space and they probably want you out there anyway.” So much for the late night bonding Phil thought had happened.

“Sorry.” He muttered before pulling himself upright and hurrying to get dressed. Dan was right. Today was the day he needed to prove himself.

 

“Alright kid, what are your strong points? Time to dazzle us.” Abram sat on a tree stump with a few other members of the circus Phil hadn’t gotten to meet yet crowded around. Sophia and Dan were nowhere to be found in the sea of unfamiliar faces. Phil wasn’t sure if he was upset or grateful for the latter. 

“I can balance really well.” Phil said in a small voice. 

A few of the people gathered around snickered to each other. Abram rolled his eyes but motioned for Phil to continue. It was clear he was already growing bored. It looked like Phil would most likely be doing the heavy labor at this rate.

He quickly walked over to a board on the ground and took a deep breath. 

He gingerly stepped onto it, placing one foot in front of the other and easily walking across. He didn’t miss the eyerolls and the group quickly dispersing.

“My circus is more than walking along a board, boy.” 

Phil grabbed a narrow plank of wood that in a pile propped up against a nearby tree and hurried over to a couple of crates that were stacked high and spaced just enough distance apart to place each end of the plank. 

“If you break a bone or my property your first day I don’t know if this will work.” Abram muttered in a grumbly voice.

Phil ignored him and climbed up onto the crate and took another deep breath in. He closed his eyes as he stepped forward. 

 

Back home, he had often been shooed into the back of his family’s store where the supplies were kept while his brother and parents fussed over how to fix whatever he managed to break or ruin on that particular day. It’s where he began walking on boards trying to balance. He would block out the disappointed faces of his parents or sympathetic tone of his brother and just practice on walking on the boards. They got skinnier and skinnier as the years passed on until his mother joked he could walk across anything, even a piece of hair. 

 

The skinny board creaked under the pressure of his weight as he gingerly climbed on. He slowly exhaled and started onwards, after all, once the first step was over it was a piece of cake. He opened his eyes and crossed the plank in no time with his arms wide as wide as the best showman’s smile he could muster. He spun around once he got to the other side and looked nervously back towards Abram where the crowd had reappeared. 

Abram was on his feet looking at Phil hungrily. “I didn’t know we had a tightrope walker in our midsts!” He bellowed. 

Sophia was hopping towards Phil and helped him down from the crates with an excited grin. She gave him a swift hug. “Good job!” She squealed in his ear.

“You seem to do alright with heights as well?” 

“Yes sir.” Phil answered shakily.

“Do you know any gymnastics? Any trapeze tricks?” 

Phil frowned but Abram just waved his hand to brush him off. “Doesn’t matter. I’ve got the best trapeze artist for miles and he can teach you. I think you and Dan are just about the same height… should compliment each other well enough.” He searched the crowd before beckoning Dan over. 

“Your new friend’s going to be joining you at the top of that tent. Now don’t make that face, he’s mainly going to be our tightrope walker. I think we can set up a short segment with the two of you to bridge your acts. You’ll need to teach him the ropes.” He laughed at his own joke. “Right. I have things to do. Nobody’s to bother me until the sun is down, and I mean it.” He grabbed Phil’s shoulder roughly and shook him. “Glad to have you aboard, kid.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you'd like to reblog it on tumblr you can [ here](https://tortitabby.tumblr.com/post/182963137295/balancing-with-a-diving-heart-chapter-two)!   
> It would be much appreciated!!


	3. Chapter 3

 

“Hey, welcome to the team!” A beautiful woman with wavy, long black hair and a face full of lush facial hair kissed Phil on the cheek. 

“I’m Flora, the bearded lady.” She explained with a small chuckle. “This is Han, the Strong man, Sophia our contortionist, Leo our lion tamer, though he’s not very good at it if you ask me,” She said under her breath. 

“Hello there, Stick.” Han waltzed up with his broad chest puffed up unnecessarily. “I’m going to call you that from now on. You’re as skinny as one, you like to walk on them, and if you piss me off I’ll snap you like one.” He doubled over at his own joke. 

“Hey, no it’s good to have you, Stick. Did Flora here introduce you to everyone?” He asked.

“Oh, I think so.” Phil glanced at Flora who was staring at him apprehensively. 

“I did.” She said, her tone clipped.

“Did she tell you about the sword swallower?” 

“Uh, no?” Phil glanced around.

“Oh! Let me introduce you then. This is our sword swallower, Danny. Aren’t you?”

“I thought Dan was the trapeze ar-” Phil shut up as soon as he looked over at Dan. 

_ Oh. _

His face was a violent shade of scarlet as he glared over at Han.  

“Don’t listen to Han.” He said in a quiet voice.

“Tell me I’m wrong. You’ve probably swallowed more swords here than anyo-”

“Han!” Flora growled angrily. “Get lost.” 

She turned away from him just in time to miss the ugly look on his face that he sneered over at Dan before stalking off. 

She wrapped her arms around Dan’s shoulders and pulled him away. Sophia grabbed Phil’s hand and followed them.

“I swear. Strongman or not I’ll fight him for you. Do you want me to? Don’t listen to him. He’s such a piece of garbage, Dan.” Flora was saying, angry tears in her eyes. 

Phil was trying to keep up with his thoughts that were going a mile a minute. He had never been with another man, even though he’d spent many sleepless nights thinking about it. It was unheard of and back home it would have tarnished the Lester name. He couldn't have faced his family if he had dragged their name through the mud like that. Word spread fast in small towns after all. 

He wanted to tell this to Dan. He wanted to comfort him, assure him he wasn't alone. But Dan was intimidating and Phil was cowardly. 

“When do you want to start teaching me trapeze lessons?” He said instead. 

“If we go now the tent should be fairly empty.” Dan said. 

He turned to lead the way back to the tent but Flora grabbed his arm to stop him. “Nobody joins the circus because they fit in at home, dear.” She said quietly. 

The color had returned to mostly normal in Dan's cheeks by the time they stepped inside the giant, empty tent. There were a few people cleaning things and a few checking some handiwork but nobody paid them any mind. It was as much privacy as they could get. 

“You’re not afraid of heights, right? It’s pretty far up.” Dan said at his side. He was staring up at the net above their heads. On either side there were platforms and a variety of hoops and swings tethered to them. 

“I don’t think so. I used to go out on the roof a lot at night but this is a little different.”

Dan made a face and started towards the long ladder leading up.

“We’ll go on the same side for now but obviously we’ll go on opposite ends for the actual show once you’re ready.”

He started climbing before Phil could reply. Phil rolled his eyes and followed after him, keeping mind to not look at the safety net as he passed it. 

“You’re so slow.” Dan called down once he reached the top.

Phil panted as he pulled himself up the last few rungs of the ladder and shakily hoisted himself up next to him.

“You sure you’re not afraid of heights?” Dan arched an eyebrow at him. “Listen I can’t have you messing up my act. I-”

“I won’t! I’m fine. Will you show me how to, uh, trapeze?”   
Dan rolled his eyes and lead him over to a pan of chalk.

“Coat your hands. You’re going to get blisters anyway, but this will help a bit.”

He pushed an acrobatic ring towards Phil who clutched onto it for dear life. 

“You're not going to be a very good act if you don't leave the platform, mate. What do you even want to be part of the circus for?”

Phil shrugged, feeling exposed and judged. 

“I dunno,” he said lamely. “It's exciting and my life was boring.The circus is fun. There are all of the animals and tricks and everything. Who doesn't want to join it?” The words tasted like ash as he said them. What did it matter why he wanted to join? He did so that should be that. He felt defensive and prickly towards the curly haired boy who’s icy stare was still on him. 

Phil gently stepped off the platform and hung near it, carefully swaying in the open air.  He moved with what little momentum he had before stretching back towards the solid floor of the platform. He sighed with relief as his feet were finally planted firmly. 

Dan still had the cold aura around him. His face was screwed up in a way that made Phil concerned. Was he hurt? Was he going to be ill? That kind of expression was never a good thing.

Dan grit his teeth in annoyance and reached out– only to shove Phil roughly in the chest.

Phil gasped in shock as he went careening backwards, flying through the air with all of the grace of a crumpled up piece of paper. In his surprise, his grip loosened before totally slipping from the metal ring. 

He felt like he was falling for days, his heart in his ears before he bounced on the net set below. 

He could hear Dan calling to him but couldn’t make himself move as the shock still coursed through his system. 

He could hear Dan hurry down the ladder, panting the entire time. He hovered over Phil, screwing up his eyes as he searched Phil head to toe for any injuries. 

“I-I thought you were hanging on tighter than that.” He said sheepishly as he helped Phil detangle himself from the rope. 

Phil slapped his hands away and struggled to find his bearings. He took a big breath in and let it out slow and easy, the way his mother taught him to when he’d get too overwhelmed with his schooling or whatever handy task his father and grandfather would assign for him. 

Dan was waiting for him to fail, he could see that plainly. It wasn’t a new feeling to him. He had been the disappointment of the family. Anything he attempted to make was only ever mediocre at best. 

He couldn’t live somewhere else where people were just  _ waiting  _ for him to fail. That’s what he left behind. That wasn’t who he was anymore. 

He walked past Dan, pointedly not looking at his stupid dimpled face, and started clamoring up the ladder.

“We can stop. I-”

“I don’t want to stop.” Phil said angrily. “Do people usually stop after you push them, what– two, three stories?” He glared down at Dan who was watching him with his big brown eyes. Phil had never noticed how bright brown eyes could shine before. He shook himself out of his stupor and climbed with a new fervor.

He shoved his hands back into the chalk when he reached the top and grabbed the ring. His heart was beating so hard he could feel it in his gut and down in the tips of his fingers. Anger clouded his vision as he glared over at Dan who had finally reached the top himself.

“Listen you’ve got to learn to not be afraid of falling or they’ll eat you alive.” Dan quipped. He gnawed his bottom lip between his teeth and had the decency to seem slightly remorseful about pushing him. 

“Abram is never going to let you stay if you keep barely swinging like that. If he sees that at all he’s going to rethink your place here. This is part of my act too. Not the main part, thank God, but I still can’t have it be that awful. You need to get better a lot faster or leave.” 

Phil glowered at Dan and pushed off of the platform, hanging on tight to the metal ring as he flew through the air. He let go and crash landed on the platform on the other side of the net, staggering to a stop.

Dan was staring at him with that same torn expression on his face from before. He looked haunted, and surprisingly young. The purple rings under his eyes made the gorgeous warm red colors in his irises stand out in a twisted, beautiful way.

He swung his own way over and began patiently explaining how to land safely and easily.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!!!  
> If you'd like to you can [ reblog here](https://tortitabby.tumblr.com/post/183258039105/balancing-with-a-diving-heart)


	4. Chapter 4

They spent all of that day and every day for the next week and half perfecting Phil swinging from ring to ring to platform and so on with added flips and tricks in between. 

Every muscle in Phil’s body ached so much from training that he could barely hold his head up at the end of the night while he watched the rest of the performances, including Dan flying from the bars alone for the time being. Phil would stare in awe as Dan would  spin and flip with ease as if he wasn’t several feet above a tiny rope net.

They often trained in silence, save for every once in a while when Dan quietly corrected him.

When Phil wasn’t learning to spin in midair he was balancing on a board that was getting smaller and smaller until it was eventually a white rope stretched taut under the platforms.

Phil spent most of the days practicing on the tightrope or swinging from metal bars and learning how to do flips in the sky. Moving days he helped take things down to pack up. The rhythm of his new life was surprisingly easy to take on. The sense of purpose was something new that sizzled under his skin.

It was the day after a moving day and he was going tent to tent with a small locked trunk trying to find its owner before he had to go to training. He stared down at the box, gazing at the intricate designs around the copper lock, and wondered who owned which a pretty piece and decided to take it along on the circus of all places, when he got pulled flat onto his back, knocking the air out of him. He stared up at the clouds confused and in pain.

“Wha-”

“What were you  _ thinking _ ?” 

“Dan?”   
He sounded angry—angrier than usual and still had his arm out from where he knocked Phil down. His eyes were furrowed at Phil in disbelief.

“You almost walked right into his cage! You klutz! Do you want to become lunch?” 

Phil sat up to see a gorgeous beast of an animal staring him down with sad amber eyes. His mane looked thin and unhealthy and Phil could see the start of his ribs showing. He didn’t look angry or hungry. He looked defeated.

“Lion the lion,” was all he managed to utter as he looked up at Dan. 

“What were you doing over here?” Phil asked.

Dan sighed. “I always come over here and give him the meat from whatever i’m having for lunch. It’s probably not safe or good for him but they don’t feed him enough.” 

“Oh. Poor guy.” he said quietly.

Dan nodded before narrowing his eyes at him. “So why were you standing dumbly inches away from his claws staring at your hands?”

“Oh! Er, do you know whose this is?” Phil nodded towards the trunk.

“Yeah it’s Flora’s collection of teas. She needs them to go to sleep at night. I can bring them to her if you want, she’s usually making her rounds checking up on people before the show but it’s almost time for her to be done. I was going to finish checking up on people for her anyway so she can relax for once.”   
Phil blinked at him.

“You’re such a mystery.” He said with a laugh. “I’ll think that I have you figured out and then you end up being possibly the most caring person I’ve met here.” 

Dan’s cheeks turned a violent shade of red.

“Do I need to push you again?” 

Phil laughed again. “You might.” He conceded.

Dan stared at him for a minute before smirking and rolling his eyes. “Let’s bring this to Flora and get up to the rings. I think you’re doing well enough for me to show you the next stage and hopefully get you performing soon.” He extended a hand to help pull Phil to his feet.

“I can’t believe I almost walked right into his cage.” Phil muttered. 

Lion the lion blinked at Phil before yawning a huge yawn. Yellow-stained jagged teeth lined his mouth. Some were broken or missing but there was enough to make Phil’s palms sweat. 

“I can.” Dan teased as he strolled away. He had a gigantic grin on his face that crinkled his eyes in a way that made Phil’s stomach swoop.

Phil jogged to catch up to him. “So the next stage? What does that mean?” He asked.

“Well you’re okay on the rings and can hold your own so now it’s time for us to actually incorporate being up there  _ together _ . Haven’t you seen a typical trapeze act? It’s driven Abram mad that I don’t have anyone up there with me. It’s only going to be a short thing to transition you on the tight rope to me on the rings, but still. I think once you’ve got this part down you’re ready.” 

They hurried to the ladder once they were inside of the tent. It was humid and muggy inside of the tent and Phil sighed as he pushed his hair back and wiped the sweat from his brow and wiped his hands dry on his pants before he started to climb. 

“What are you doing?” He asked Dan who was fussing over the net.

“I always check the net, every morning. You’re just usually either still sleeping or eating.”  It was a jab, but not with any malice behind it. 

“So that day you pushed me…” 

Dan glanced up and shook his head. “I wouldn't have let you gone up there let alone push you if I thought this net couldn't catch you.” He finished checking the last knot and started climbing up behind Phil.  

Phil dug his hands into the chalk, used to the routine by now.

Dan placed his hands next to Phil’s and covered them before walking to the edge. 

“I’m going to go across and then you hang upside down on the swing like we have been doing. I’ll come back and you’ll grab me. We’ll go back and forth and you’ll go up and down the swing and if you can swing high enough, grab onto the ring above us.”

Phil nodded, determined. “Got it.”

“You’ve got it, but have you got me?” Dan asked.

Phil could feel the heat rush to his face that was surely bright red. 

“I, um. What?”

“On the rings. Out there.” Dan nodded behind him with a perplexed expression before glancing away, his own cheeks a lovely shade of pink.

“Oh, ‘course.” He nodded at Dan, hoping the color had somewhat left his cheeks. “I’m ready.”

Dan grabbed the swing and pushed himself off of the platform and swung high towards the vaulted ceiling of the massive tent. He came back down and tucked in, sticking his feet out and let go, landing swiftly and perfectly on the bar across the tent. 

He was upside down facing Phil and smiled a wide smile that was full of teeth and the happiest Phil had seen him. 

“Ready?” He yelled. 

Phil nodded and grabbed onto the swing and began gaining momentum. He was aware of Dan doing the same across the way. 

Dan swung in but not quite close enough. They swung further away from each other and Phil let out a slow breath. This was the one.

They came together and Dan leapt from his bar. Phil clasped his hands around Dans wrists and squeezed in excitement.

“I did it!” he exclaimed and beamed down at Dan who was already gazing up at him. 

“You did!” Phil’s stomach fluttered with butterflies at how genuinely excited Dan sounded.

“Now I’m going to flip and you’ll catch my ankles so I can get back on the other one. I’m also going to pretty much climb you later. Ready?”

 

They practiced until both of their hands were bleeding and nearly everyone else in the circus had gone to bed, which was a feat in itself.

“I’m glad tomorrow is a moving day so our hands can heal a bit. I think we overdid it.” Dan laughed as they ducked back into their tent. 

Phil flopped down onto his cot with a heavy sigh. “I think we’ve got it though.” He said with a wide smile.

Dan grinned before pulling his shirt over his head. Phil couldn’t help but stare at his broad back and the smooth skin of his torso. 

Dan pulled his sleep shirt on and sat quietly on to his own bed. Phil realized with a start that Dan was staring intently at him.

“Like what you see?” Dan said in a low voice that was so quiet Phil almost didn’t hear it. He had a strange tone to his voice. It was full of vulnerability and honesty. Phil knew it wasn’t a joke or him teasing. It was an honest, terrified question. 

“I really do.” Phil said, just as quiet. “How’s that scarier than dangling by my ankles?” He laughed a hushed breath. 

Dan shrugged and smiled wryly over at him. “No safety net, I reckon.” 

He stared at Phil awhile longer in silence before laying back and pulling the covers up over his shoulders. “Goodnight Phil.” He said in a tiny voice, still watching him carefully before rolling over and facing away.

Phil threw his pajamas on and slid into his own blankets. His aching hands were just an afterthought to his racing heart. He wasn’t sure what any of this meant. 

“Night Dan.” He said softly. Somehow he didn’t think sleep would be coming easy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm super excited to hear opinions on this chapter! I hope you enjoyed it!!
> 
> You can reblog it from [ tumbr here! ](https://tortitabby.tumblr.com/post/183438555120/balancing-with-a-diving-heart-chapter-four)


	5. Chapter 5

“Get up.” Phil blinked sleep out of his eyes and peered up at a fully clothed Dan with an amused expression on his face. “You’re in the show tonight. I told Abram you have the routine down so we’re good to go. You should get up and stretch and eat something. The show’s in a few hours you lazy lug.” He laughed and rolled his eyes before leaving the tent. 

Phil groaned. His muscles ached from the relentless training that had been followed by an early day of packing up and moving to their new location. It had been a busy Dan-less day and he had crawled back into their tent fallen asleep before he ever had the chance to see him. 

The exchange from a few nights prior rang in Phil’s ears and he knew he had to shake it off and get on with his day, especially one as important and his first show day. 

Phil got up and found something to eat before meeting with Dan in the tent to practice quickly one last time before the show. They talked about all of the little things that made up living in the circus. Dan, it turned out, was actually really funny. They shared light hearted banter back and forth as they swung back and forth themselves. The implications from their interchange that late night went unmentioned. There was enough anxiousness already.

Soon enough they called it good for the day and Phil headed off to get in the right headspace before the show. His stomach was twisted in knots but he wasn’t sure if it was from the imminent performance or the fact that talking to Dan was easier than talking to any other person Phil has known.

He decided to find a quiet spot under a tree to stretch and practice breathing. 

A ridiculous and redundant part of Phil wished his family could be in the stands cheering him on. He knew better and tried to steer his mind away from his family. He’d done well not to think about them so far. He could imagine his Mum’s fallen face at finding his note and Martyn’s anger. Knowing his brother it was most likely aimed at himself. Martyn always put the burden of Phil struggling with the business on himself for some reason. Maybe it was an older sibling thing. Phil sighed.

“Excited to actually perform tonight?” Sophia approached him hesitantly, clearly not wanting to disturb him if he didn’t want company.

“I know it’s stupid but I wish my family could see.” He shrugged over at her. “I am excited for tonight though. I think we’ve got an alright thing with our routine.”

She nodded. “Dan said the same thing.” 

Phil had a familiar nervous fluttering in his stomach at that. 

“Mind if I keep you company before the show so you don’t drive yourself mad waiting?”

Phil laughed and motioned to the shady patch of grass next to him.

They sat and chatted up until it was time to get ready for the show. 

Sophia rushed Phil into a tent to put on a sparkling suit that was silver with black on it, the same as Dan’s. It clung tightly to his skin in a way that amped his anxiety and made him want to tear it off. The crowd started spilling in and Phil was finding it hard to hear his thoughts over the low rolling roar of people showing up. 

“Hmm. Dan has his face paint black with silver lips. I’m going to have yours different, okay? Maybe just switch it opposite of that.” Flora said, mainly to herself as she fussed over Phil’s face. 

Dan ducked into the tent, eyes wild as they searched the tent and stopped on Phil. His face was already all made up and the black glitter painted behind his eyes and down the side of his temple made the amber in his big brown eyes pop out in an almost offending breathtaking way.

“Are you ready?” He clapped Phil on the shoulder with a broad smile. The excitement Dan was practically vibrating with was soon contagious.

“Boy, you need to hold still.” Flora laughed as she painted the silver across his cheeks bone while he hopped from foot to foot. 

“Sorry, Flora.” He apologized as Dan cackled at his side. 

She finished his lips and moved on to Sophia, making emerald swirls all across her face and the three of them headed to the back of the tent. 

“So we’ll run up the ladders while the light is on Ms. No-Bones over here,” Dan nodded towards Sophia who giggled and shoved his arm, “Then once she’s done the spotlight is on us and it’s time to fly.”  He made a nervous face at Phil.

“We should have practiced more.” Phil said worryingly. 

Dan shook his head at that. “Our hands are going to be beaten up enough. We have this down.  _ You’re ready _ ,” he added in a softer tone. He grabbed Phil’s forearm and squeezed gently. 

Phil sighed and looked back towards the tent to find Sophia looking at the two of them with a hint of a smile on her face. He could feel himself blush but smiled gently back at her. Her face split in a huge grin at that but before she could think to say anything it was her que to go on.

“We have to run up the ladders now. Let’s go show them how it’s done.” Dan grabbed his shoulders. “I’ll forgive you if you drop me, okay, no pressure.” 

Phil scoffed and knocked Dan’s hands away playfully, ignoring the delighted laughter he got in response.

Han glowered at them as they passed, and Flora wished them luck. Before he knew it Phil was halfway up the ladder. He could see that Dan was reaching the top of his across the tent.

He reached the top and shot Phil a thumbs up just as Phil reached the tightrope. He tried to give the most convincing thumbs up back at him and stepped gingerly onto the rope where it was still hidden in the dark. 

Sophia bent in unimaginable ways and shapes underneath them on the ground. The spotlight caught her green sequins and the shine of her red hair in a breathtaking way. Phil had a hard time not watching her but if there was ever a key to tightrope walking it was “don’t look down.”

It was creeping closer and closer to Phil’s cue. He wiped his sweat from his brow and let a slow breath out. Then- it was time!

Phil sprung forward into the light and bouncing lightly on the rope. He spread his arms wide and beamed into the blinding lights that were all pointed at him. He could just barely make out the sea of excited faces, some of them young that would go home and dream about being something more and doing something more than the dreary black and white day to day life demanded.

He could faintly hear Abram announcing him over the roar of the crowd. He made a show of pretending to try not to fall and slowly walked to the otherside of the rope before quickly walking backwards with ease. The crowd was screaming ecstatically, fueling Phil’s confidence. He did a quick flip and landed precariously on his feet. 

He did various jumps and stunts before leaping up to catch the swing above him. He quickly righted himself and stood tall on top of it just as Dan swung down and grasped onto him, taking him high into the air that was crackling with excitement. If it wasn't for the heaviness of Dan's hands in his own it wouldn't have felt real. 

He jumped to the swing on the same level Dan was on. They proceeded to do flips past and around each other as well as catch each other from various twists and spins that didn't seem physically possible even to Phil. 

Before he knew it it was time for his exit. He drifted into the background as Dan started his insane stunts. Phil marveled at how any human could move their body in midair in so many ways at such an impressive speed. 

Dan danced in the air with a shimmery white ribbon before letting it fall to the ground, the lights following it as it floated down. 

Phil couldn't take his eyes off of Dan as he melted into the shadows. 

A few acts followed theirs and closed up the show but Phil found himself outside reveling in the crisp night air that was cooling the seat on his brow.

“Phil!” Dan ran over, dimpled and beaming. His curls were much more prominent and plastered to his face. 

Phil threw his arms around Dan without a second thought. He was warm and solid in his arms. With a startled thought Phil realized he never felt like he fit against another person as well as he fit with Dan in that moment, sweaty and on an adrenaline high, gripping tightly around his middle.

Dan pulled away first and smiled a bashful, knowing smile. 

“How did we pull that off?” He exclaimed. 

Phil shrugged. “I don't know but I feel like I'm ready to go out there and do it again and again is that crazy?” 

“If you asked me a week ago I would say completely mental.” Dan laughed. “I actually kind of had…  _ fun. _ ” He said it in a hushed tone like it was some sort of nasty swear word.

“I like being up there. I like being up there with you.” Phil clarified, the adrenaline coursing through his veins fueled his bravery.

Dan reached out and squeezed Phil's forearm. 

“Boys that was a great show!” Dan let go of Phil's arm.

Flora bustled out of the tent towards them. Her beard was garnished with beautiful beads and jewels. 

“The crowd is clearing out now but it has been some time since I've seen such a lovely crowd and I'm blaming the two of you! We're celebrating a great show and new era of this circus and I say it's mandatory that you two join in the festivities! Come, now!” She motioned for them to follow and lead the way back past the giant tent. 

Dan was silent next to Phil as they marched on, both with a little pep in their step. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can reblog on tumblr [ right here!](https://tortitabby.tumblr.com/post/183617315695/balancing-with-a-diving-heart-chapter-five)


	6. Chapter 6

“What a great show!” Sophia cheered and tackled them both in a high that seemed too big for her small frame to create. 

“You're both sticking around and celebrating!”

“Boys!” Abram’s voice boomed as he walked over to them and gripped both of their shoulders. “Well done! We've got something great here don't we?” He leered at Dan before elbowing Phil. “You've earned your keep, tightrope walker!” 

“I've never seen him so uh cheerful...” Phil muttered after he walked away. 

“He's a different person if money’s coming in.” Dan said bitterly. 

“Here you go!” Sophia popped back up in front of them, shoving a drink in each of their hands. “Be proud of yourselves! Abram is getting new posters printed with you two as the headline!”

“What? After just one night? That seems fast-”

Sophia shook her head but it was Dan that spoke up.

“No. We were really good out there together. There’s something there.” 

Phil sucked in a breath and gaped over at him. His eyes were crinkled in the corner and his black glittering face paint was running down his dimpled cheeks.

Phil couldn’t help but drink in the sight of him. Sweaty, smiley and happy all directed at  _ him _ . 

“Cheers.” Dan said softly and clinked his glass gently against Phil’s. 

Phil held eye-contact with Dan as he threw the glass back and downed the drink. It burned as it washed down his throat. He was never quite sure if he liked the sensation alcohol gave him but he would gladly welcome the warm floating feeling if it meant quieting down the fluttering of butterflies in his stomach.

Music started playing and Phil looked over to see Leo the lion tamer with a guitar on his knee strumming a song with two of the three jugglers of the circus at his side, one with a tambourine in hand rhythmically hitting her hip and the other slapping on a drum in front of him. 

A small hand grasped onto Phil's. He looked over to Sophia who was giggling at him, Dan's hand gripped tight in her other.

“Come with me boys!” She dragged them through the small crowd  over to Flora and a few people Phil hadn't met yet. 

Someone shoved another, larger drink into Phil's hands and before he knew it his head was spinning more than it had been inside of the tent. 

Most of the crew had gone to bed by then, it was a moving day in the morning. The songs played on as the majority of the performers were gathered in secluded clumps and groups talking amongst themselves. 

Phil's group consisted of himself and Dan. He wasn't sure where Sophia and Flora were.

Dan was giggling nearly falling over himself muttering about Phil's poor listening skills.

“Wha?”

“I said let's dance you buffoon.” 

He led Phil to the corner of the room and started moving, all limbs. Phil couldn’t hold his laughter at the concentrated expression on Dan's face. 

“I’m no good dancing by myself,” he declared and laced his fingers with Phil's.

He started swaying off-tune from the music but held Phil's gaze.

Phil suddenly felt incredibly sober. 

“Hey,” he said lightly, awkwardly. 

“Hello.” Dan smiled crookedly. 

How did it feel like he’d known that smile so much longer than the few weeks he spent at the circus? 

“I feel like I’ve known you forever.” Dan said quietly. His voice was serious and the little air that was in the space between them was thick with the unspoken tension that was hanging around them for the past 48 hours. 

Phil hummed. “No, I think I’d remember you.” 

“Oh you would?” Dan laughed in a hushed voice.

Phil leaned closer, incredibly closer than he would ever have had the guts to do without his liquid courage. 

“I definitely would,” he whispered. His lips were just inches away from Dan’s.

“ _ Boys _ !”

They jumped apart. Phil chanced a glance at Dan to find his face bright tomato red. Judging by the warmth in his cheeks he wasn’t any better off.

Sophia’s voice was shrill and tight. She definitely saw how close they were.

“I’m going to go for a late night walk to get some fresh air before bed, would you join me?” She asked. It was clear she wasn’t actually asking. Her eyes wandered to behind them and she planted a big fake smile on her face.

“Oh- Uh of course.” Dan spoke up.

She hurried to link and arm through theirs, planting herself in the middle and practically dragging them away.

Phil looked back to where she had been staring to see Han leering back at him with his nose wrinkled up in a sneer, disgust evident in his entire demeanor. 

_ Great. _

She stopped when they reached the secluded tree Phil spent his afternoon before the show under.

She pulled away from them and placed her hands squarely on her hips and looked at them each sternly.

Phil’s stomach twisted. People didn’t take kindly to people that were different. People that were like himself, and like Dan, weren’t heard of often and never in a good light if they were.

He had grown so attached to Sophia and was already beginning to mourn her friendship before she opened up her glitter smeared mouth.

“What are you two  _ thinking _ ?” 

Dan hung his head and took a step away from Phil. He didn’t know what he expected, but it wasn’t the stab of pain he felt by the extra foot between them.

“In front of everybody? Hans!? Listen I’m thrilled for the two of you. Hey,” she tilted Dan’s chin up until he was looking at her, “I want the two of you to be happy and I think you’re precious together but not everybody will. Use your heads.” 

She looked at each of them warily before nodding to herself and marching away. 

“Well that was a relief.” Phil laughed lightly after a few minutes of stunned silence.

“Yeah. It went  _ great _ .” There was a venom to Dan’s voice that made Phil look over to him in surprise. 

His face was screwed up in a scowl. He looked small and younger than he had moments ago. He looked angry.

“Dan?” Phil reached out to touch his shoulder but Dan jolted away from him.

“Don’t,” he said sharply. “I was being stupid. We were being stupid. I’ve let this ruin my life once already and I can’t again. I- I’m going to bed.”

Phil frowned and went to ask Dan to clarify but was met with an open palm towards his face. “I can’t do this. Don’t follow me to the tent. Just give me a head start.” 

He turned away without waiting for a reply and left Phil standing under the tree alone with an empty feeling in his chest that had been so full of all exciting warm and happy things just minutes before.

The wind kicked up and blew right through him as he watched Dan’s back until he couldn’t any longer. 

All he wanted was to go to bed and put an end to such an exhausting and demanding day but he forced himself to go sit next to Flora in silence for another three songs before finally trudging back into their tent. 

Dan was already in his cot, curled into a tight ball facing away from the rest of the world. 

Phil sat and watched him for as long as he dared before he started to judge himself. He turned in and snuggled up under his blanket. He looked back towards Dan and jumped once he realized there was a pair of brown eyes staring back at him.

“Sorry,” he whispered so quietly Phil wasn’t sure it wasn’t just his wishful thinking at first.

“I-”

“Goodnight Phil.” Dan cut him off before rolling back over. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know how you liked this chapter!!  
> If you want you can reblog it on tumblr  right here!


	7. Chapter 7

Despite the alcohol weighing down Phil’s bones and eyelids the sun was nearly rising by the time he finally fell asleep.

He was too caught up in his own head analyzing where the best night of his life took a turn for the worse. 

When Sophia shook him awake he was the only one left in the tent.

“Sorry. Almost everything else is packed up. We’re leaving soon. I tried to stall and let you sleep as long as I could.” She tried to search his eyes but he turned his head away. He knew logically that none of it was Sophia’s fault and she was looking out for the both of them but he couldn’t help the bitter resentment he felt rush towards her. He hoped it wasn’t too noticeable but with the way her hand dropped from his shoulder and her instant shrinking away he doubted it. 

“O-Okay I’m going to go see if Flora needs help.” She said in a tiny voice. 

Phil caught her wrist before quickly letting go. “Sorry! I’m not– You’re a really good friend Sophia.” He settled with softly.

She blinked quickly at him and nodded. “Thank you.” She said and her voice sounded wet. “I really was afraid I’d messed it all up with the two of you. Dan isn’t really talking to anybody this morning and is all ‘Isolation King’ like he gets to be sometimes. I– I overstepped but Han was looking your way and it was so out in the open and people are so bloody nosey and close–”

“Thank you.” Phil jumped up and grabbed a hold of her hands. “We weren’t thinking very clearly obviously. Like I said you’re a good friend, and I’m sure Dan thinks so too.”

She sniffed. “Ya’ think?” 

“I’m fairly certain it wasn’t you he was upset with at any point.” He said dryly.

She squeezed his hands in hers, surprisingly hard for her petite size. 

 

He followed her to find Flora and got sent to work. Some days he wasn’t sure if it would be harder to adjust to walking on a tiny strip of rope in front of an enormous audience or getting used to so much manually labor. 

He wiped the sweat from his brow and stood back to look at their handy work. They’d be moving along to the next location in no time.

“I think we’re all done, Phil.” Flora said with a sigh of relief. “Here’s a sandwich I whipped up since you were sleeping earlier. I didn’t want you to starve after working your behind off all day.” 

She gave him a quick hug before pushing him away and busying herself with the next task at hand. Her stage name was the Bearded Woman, but Phil thought she deserved a title that better captured her talent in multitasking. He was constantly in wonder at how she managed to played mother to the entire circus.

 

He found his way to the tree he sat under the day before. It felt impossible that it was just a short twenty four hours prior that he was sitting there anxious for a whole different, and much happier reason. 

He sat there and enjoyed the fresh breeze, the slight sting of cold made him feel real and grounded and kept his mind clear. 

Before he knew it they were clearing out and headed on their way.

The circus gathered together to leave and Phil glued himself next to Sophia. His heart jumped to his throat when he saw the curly haired man that had been on his mind all day. He had tired eyes and a dreary demeanor that made Phil want to rush to his side and convince him everything was going to be fine but the second their eyes met Dan averted his and shuffled away.

It stung and Phil couldn’t help feeling like he lost something before he got the chance to really have it.

 

“Shoo.” Flora waved a hand at Phil. “I’m going to get this place organized and set up something to eat but the rest are headed towards the city nearby.” They reached the new location faster than anyone had anticipated. Abram stalked around the new site grumbling about how they could have done a second night at the last one for the first hour they arrived.

“You’re a full fledged performer, now, Phil. Don’t get me wrong I appreciate all of the help but go have a good night. Something tells me you need it.” She arched an eyebrow at him and tossed her long, thick hair over her shoulder. 

“Are you sure you don’t need-”

“I don’t often need, much, Darling. Go have a good time. For me?” She turned away before he could argue further.

He sighed and started looking for Sophia when a hand clasped his shoulder.

“I’ll go have fun, for you, Flora. I’m going I just– Oh!”

Dan stood there, rubbing the side of his neck awkwardly and looking like he’d rather be anywhere else. But his eyes stayed glued to Phil’s and he had a determined expression with his jaw set tight. 

“Walk with me to the city?” He asked.

“Oh, uh, yeah, okay.” Phil stammered

They walked in silence and Phil was grateful that the lonely gravel road was bare save for the two of them.

“Dan,” Phil started. 

Dan sighed and looked nervously over at him.

“Dan,” Phil repeated, firmer. They stopped walking. “I don’t think I misread anything.” Now that Dan was standing in front of him, having the audacity to look puzzled as Phil attempted to pour his heart out, the worry that Phil had felt all day fell away and left hot, prickly anger in its wake. Phil did nothing wrong. If he had than they at least shared the blame.

“I  _ know _ I didn’t.” He said after a minute. “It was a bad move on both of our parts as far as timing and surroundings, but it was exciting. Sure, it was embarrassing to be caught out but you were there too. I don’t deserve to be treated like some plague all day. We didn’t do anything wrong. You’re overreacting.” He said stiffly.

Dan took a step back and with one glance at his face Phil knew this wasn’t going to be the peaceful walk he’d hoped for.

“We did everything wrong.” Dan said angrily. “Exciting? Everything is all about the  _ excitement _ for you isn’t it? Running away to join the circus because you’re life is  _ boring _ .”

“Hey!”

“Some of us aren’t in it for the thrill. Some of us didn’t get a  _ choice _ . So yeah it is a big deal.”

“Why I’m here isn’t relevant to any of this! Don’t act like you know my life story, Dan.”

His head jerked up.  His eyes were wild and his breathing was coming out in frantic uneven huffs.

“Have you ever been a dirty little secret Phil? Have you ever been outed to the whole damn town you lived? Where you didn’t have any safe place to turn to or anywhere to go?” He threw his hands in the air. “I got it all blamed on me to make him look like some– some sort of victim! I didn’t join the circus to _have_ _fun_. I left my home, an education and an entire town so I could have a life. It’s not exciting. It isn’t fun. Do you know what it’s like to not fit in anywhere?-”

“Yes!” Phil shouted and grabbed Dan’s wrists. “Yes I know all about not fitting in and feeling like I’m some kind of freak or that I’m doing something wrong every time my brother points out a pretty woman and I feel nothing or whenever I see a beautiful man like  _ you _ and I feel  _ everything _ .” He shook his head and blinked back unshed tears. “I’m so sorry that someone treated you that way, Dan. You deserve more. You’re so great and funny and smart.” He took a deep breath. “I’m not him. I get it if you need time or if you decide that all you want is to be friends. I can wait. If all I get out of this is a friend then I can live with that.” 

Dan looked at his feet and said nothing.

“I do think there's more there, though. I wouldn’t keep you as a dirty secret, Dan. If you wanted me to tell the entire crew I would.” 

Dan glanced back up and choked back a laugh, tears filling his eyes. 

“I wouldn’t make you do that.” He said quietly.

“You wouldn’t be making me do anything.” Phil said. “We live in a circus and I figure if there’s anywhere to be unapologetically myself no matter how odd or bizarre to some, this is probably the place.” He said gently.

“Can we finish walking to the city?” Dan asked in a quiet voice but he was standing taller with color back in his cheeks and more life to his eyes that had been dull and darkened. 

“We can do whatever we want.” Phil said simply. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can reblog it on tumblr [ here if you'd like!](https://tortitabby.tumblr.com/post/183997928180/balancing-with-a-diving-heart-chapter-7) Much appreciated ;)


	8. Chapter 8

"There you are. I have our sandwiches from Flora.” Phil waved goodbye to Sophia who he’d spent the morning with. He turned back to Dan and jogged over to him.

“To Lion the lion?” He asked.

Dan nodded and handed him his sandwich.

Things were still fragile and hesitant since their walk to the city a week ago. They fell into a sort of comfortable silence. Phil wasn’t initiating anything or pushing Dan, but he wasn’t necessarily trying to hide his affection or attraction. The rosy spot along Dan’s jaw that would flare up along with a flustered dimpled grin was satisfaction enough that he was on the right track.

“Hello Mr. Lion the lion.” Phil sang as they reached his massive crate. 

Lion the lion stretched out and rubbed against the rusty bars, not unlike the street cats behind his parents house against a wooden fence. Phil used to go out back with his Mum and feed the poor strays with her when his father wasn’t home. 

“If you feed them once, Kath, they’re never going to leave.” He’d say. 

His mum would laugh and shake her head fondly. She was never the kind of person to be told what to do especially when it came to caring for other living things. Phil wished she could see Lion the lion in all of his majesty. 

“Here you go.” Dan tossed the thick slice of ham between the bars. Phil followed suit and tucked into his much less appealing cheese sandwich. He made a face.

“You are so ridiculous.” Dan said with a laugh. “Here, I  _ knew _ you were going to give him all of the meat off of yours so I saved some of mine for you. If you don’t like cheese don’t make yourself eat just a bread and cheese sandwich.” 

Phil rolled his eyes but gratefully accepted the meat. He could feel his ears burning. It should feel strange how well Dan knows him already but Phil just couldn’t shake how nice it felt. 

“We should probably practice but I just don’t want to.” Dan laughed. “Can’t my job in the circus be just to sit here and do nothing?”

“It’s a nice enough view.” Phil offered cheekily.

Dan snorted and shook his head. “You were so less forward when you first joined. Just a simple student. Well mannered,  _ not _ trying to make me stutter or turn bright red all day…” He trailed off with a smirk.

“You like it.” Phil declared playfully. “You want more of it.” 

Dan’s face turned that lovely shade of pink again and he just shook his head fondly. 

“We’re off today. Let’s practice tomorrow before the show.” Dan decided. 

“Okay but I don’t want to just watch you sit here all day. I mean, I would,” Phil emphasized. “I just saw something on our way here I think would be fun to look into.”

“This is the circus, boy, it’s not meant to be fun.” Abram waltzed over to them, scaring Phil half to death. 

He grabbed a branch from the ground and slapped Lion the lion’s bars with it. He flattened to the back of the crate and let out a pathetic, scared whine that no animal should be reduced to, especially one so large and powerful. Phil refused to think of what Lion the lion must have gone through in his life. He glanced at Dan’s green face and knew he was thinking the same thing.

“Get away from our beast, boys. I don’t need this walking fleabag to eat my tightrope walker or acrobat. Why would you be near it to begin with?” He sighed and pushed his thinning hair back on his head, highlighting his growing forehead. 

“I don’t know what fun you are thinking of looking into, Paul.” Phil bristled at Abram not even knowing his name. “But if you haven’t been told yet let me inform you now– anything that interferes with our show and our ability to have shows in those towns has consequences. If you make me lose money you’re going to make it up to me, and if you can’t make me money anymore you’re gone. Don’t get a big head up on that tightrope. The two of you are replaceable.” He hit the bars again before tossing the branch back on the ground and walking off. 

Phil stood shakily by Dan’s side, feeling as much like the new timid person he started out as than he ever had before. 

A large hand slipped into his and squeezed. 

“He’s such a horrible man.” Dan said lowly. “We aren’t obligated to stay here when there’s no work to do or show to put on. Show me what you were talking about. We’ll tell Flora before we leave.”

“It feels stupid now,” Phil said quietly.

Dan shrugged. “Maybe stupid sounds fun today.” He laughed and started walking. “Come on,  _ Paul _ .” 

 

“You boys better be careful,” Flora said sternly. “Do I need to whip up something to eat for you? We don’t have much until we get to a store in a few days but I’m sure-”

“We’ll be fine.” Dan waved her off. 

“You said it was back two miles or so?” She glanced up at Phil. Her hands were busy thread beads intricately through her beard. 

“Uh, three or four tops. I promise!” He held his hands up as she shot a glare his way.

“Be  _ careful _ . And mindful of your surroundings. I’m pretty fond of that one.” She jerked her head towards Dan. 

“Same goes to you,” she said to him and pointed at Phil. “I’m fond of both you and I will be so cross if either of you gets hurt so look out for each other and don’t cause too many problems for me to smooth over.”

They each promised to be careful and look out for each other and after shaking off more offers of food they were on their way.

 

“Are we there yet? This is at  _ least _ three miles, Phil,” Dan whined as he drug his feet along the dirt road behind Phil. 

“Actually, just about!” Phil grabbed a hold of Dan’s wrists and pulled him down a beaten trail he had spotted. 

A babbling creek gurgled and bubbled over smooth gray stones that shone in the setting sun.

Phil guided Dan carefully across the slippery rocks and to the lush green grass on the other side. There was a tall willow tree downstream from them but besides that it was all totally flat and open. 

It felt freeing in a way Phil hadn’t experienced before. Definitely not back in his hometown and not even up in the air in the circus tent. 

He laid down on the lush grass and pulled Dan down next to him, who followed his lead. Neither of them had spoken since they reached the stream. 

Phil turned his head, the soft grass tickled his face as he stared at Dan.

The sunset highlighted his face in a warm orange glow. From this close Phil could count the faint freckles that dusted Dan’s face ever so lightly. He stared at his long lashes, and the creased dimples that he was always so eager to see make their appearance. It was the chapped lips he had trouble finally tearing his eyes away from. 

He glanced back up to see the warm brown eyes fixated on him.

“It’s going to be dark soon.” Dan whispered.

“I thought maybe we could look at the stars together.” Phil sat up, suddenly felt extremely childish. “It’s something I always liked to do. Maybe it’s dumb. We should star–” 

Dan put a hand on Phil’s chest. “That sounds great.” There was no hint of humor on his face. The night sky creeping up behind him gave him an almost unearthly glow. Phil brought his gaze back to Dan’s pink lips. 

Dan was still watching him carefully. His brows furrowed in thought until his face relaxed and he sat up next to Phil and gently cupped his cheek.

He searched Dan’s face in question. This was crossing a line they drew themselves. Phil’s shoulders were tense and his heart was wild in his chest. 

Dan nodded and leaned towards Phil.

Damn the lines.

Phil rushed forwards and captured Dan’s lips with his own. Their teeth knocked together and Phil backed away, mortified. 

“Oi come back,” Dan laughed lightly and put a hand gingerly on the back of Phil’s head and brought him close for a second, much slower kiss. They took their time this time. Phil felt dizzy with want and excitement. 

Phil seemed to feel the kiss in every part of his body. In his finger tips that were itching to bring Dan even closer, in the smile he couldn’t wipe off of his face, down to the tips of his tingling toes and the almost aching feeling of his full chest and swooping stomach. It was almost funny. 

They stayed tangled together until the sun set and Phil felt the tingling back in his lips as they as they pulled apart. 

The silence between them was only broken by a nearby chirping cricket and the two of them trying to catch their breath.

“You brought me out here to look at the stars?” Dan asked in a quiet voice. 

Phil looked over to see him staring up at the night sky. The inky dark blue was filled with stars, more than Phil could ever remember seeing back in his front yard growing up.

“I did. We don’t have to, I can–”

“I love it, Phil.” Dan’s voice was startlingly wet, but Phil kept his eyes on the night sky.  “You really are just a really great guy aren’t you? Not just a great guy but a good person.” 

Phil looked back to see Dan staring him down.

“I really like you.” He said softly. Phil felt overwhelmed by the confession. He’d never been in like or love or anything similar to it before in his life. He certainly never had it reciprocated.

He pulled Dan close and they laid in each other’s arms, Dan’s head resting on Phil’s shoulder while Phil’s chin sat on the top of Dan’s head. 

“I really like you too, Dan.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think!!  
> If you'd like to reblog on tumblr you can [ here!](https://tortitabby.tumblr.com/post/184240349935/balancing-with-a-diving-heart-chapter-8)


	9. Chapter 9

Phil was vaguely aware that he was waking up. It had gotten cold in the night so he cuddled closer to his source of heat. A cool morning breeze brushed through his hair and stung the tip of his nose.

He breathed in a deep breath of fresh, crisp air that you couldn’t find living in a town, or even in the cramped tent he shared with Dan now that he thought of it. 

He cracked an eye open to see the field from the night before lit up in gold as the sun rose. Light reflected off of little drops of morning dew bubbled up on top of blades of grass. He moved to sit up in a panic, never intending on them spending the whole night away, but a solid weight on his arm stopped him.

There was the source of warmth he had sought out earlier.

Dan was dead asleep on Phil’s left arm, turned on his side facing Phil. The mouth that had been so eagerly attached to Phil’s own for most of the night was parted slightly with rose colored lips. The rising sun caught the light in the dark brown curls tousled on his head, and gleamed in his long delicate eyelashes. He was entirely bathed in a golden light that highlighted all of the features that made Phil’s heart skip a beat. 

Bright brown eyes with flecks of gold and bronze blinked open at him. He frowned in confusion before his face softened and he reached gingerly up at Phil.

“Good morning, you.” Phil whispered softly. His voice was scratchy and gravely with disuse.

Dan’s face split into a smile as he cupped the side of Phil’s face and gently played with the hair behind his ear. He pulled him down to meet his lips and Phil couldn’t for the life of him think of a better way he had ever woken up before. 

“We need to get back. Probably shouldn’t have stayed here until morning but we might get back before everyone else is up.” 

Phil frowned.

“Sorry, I really didn’t mean for us to stay the whole ni–”

“You fell asleep first.” Dan laughed. His cheeks tinged pink after a minute. “And you looked peaceful, and…   _ cute _ , so I let you sleep.” He looked up at Phil through his lashes.

“Do we have to go back?” Phil whined quietly.

Dan leaned up to kiss Phil in response. Phil smiled into the kiss and pulled them both to their feet. 

 

The walk back was over far too soon. Dan was right, there wasn’t too many people up and awake at this hour. The tents were starting to quietly buzz to life but they only passed a few people actually out of their tents and seemingly alive at such an early time. 

One, unfortunately, was Han. 

Phil hadn’t noticed him standing there, leaning back against a crate sneering at the two of them with a look of unbridled disgust on his face, or the fact that they’re hands were still clasped tightly together, until Dan hurriedly freed his hand from Phil’s and grew silent as they passed him.

“Where were the two of you?” He shouted after them, too loud and brash in the soft silence of early morning. “What were you doing out there? Huh? It’s not right! I know what you’ve been up to and it’s fucking sickening!”

Dan stopped to turn around, his mouth in a tight angry line, but Phil placed a hand on his shoulder and coaxed him to not turn around and take the bait. 

As soon as they were in the safety of their tent Dan ran a shaky hand through his hair. He spun towards Phil with fire in his eyes.

“I can’t  _ stand _ him. I am so sick of his little comments and opinions and I wish I could tell him where he could shove the-  _ umph _ !” 

Phil quieted him by reaching up, tugging Dan down harshly so their lips crashed together.

“Forget about him. He’s always going to be like that. I think the best thing we can do is ignore him.” He said when they parted.

Dan squeezed his hands tightly. “He’s been like that since I’ve joined. I don’t even know how he knows I like men.” He sighed after a minute.

“You’re right. He isn’t important. Let’s get some sleep before we need to get up and practice. I’m exhausted.” Dan crawled into his bed and Phil into his own. Their tent felt much too big suddenly but soft snoring from the other bed kept Phil from complaining about it.

 

They snuck just a few more hours of sleep in before Flora came barging into their tent and went around smacking the both of them.

“You can’t just _not_ _come_ _back_. I _told_ you I was fond of you both and then you just _disappear_ for the night!” She shook her head and stared down at the two of them with her hands perched firmly at her hips.

“I’m sorry Flora. I didn’t mean for us to fall asleep.” Phil offered sheepishly.

Dan burst into tired giggles from his bed. 

“Shut up, Dan!” Phil couldn’t help the smile that was making its way onto his face. He really did feel bad. 

Flora’s gaze lightened as she looked back and forth at the two of them. 

“Hmm. You happy boys just be more careful next time, okay? Just let me know more details so I don’t worry.” She held up her hands and waved them, “not too many details now!” 

Dan’s face turned bright red and it was Phil’s turn to burst into surprised laughter. 

“Fl– Flora it wasn’t anything scandalous! I, He–” He sputtered.

“Dan, dear, stop by my tent before the show so I can cover up that mark on your neck.” She smirked knowingly at him before sauntering out of their tent.

Dan groaned, “I think you can actually die of embarrassment. This is it– I’m going into the light.” 

“Shut up,” Phil laughed. He got out of his bed and pushed Dan lightly. “Let’s go see Lion the lion and get to practice. Sounds like everyone’s up and about now.” 

 

They ate in a peaceful silence as Lion the lion quickly gobbled down the meat they offered him. Phil still felt on edge that Abram was going to come out of nowhere and berate them like the day before but Dan seemed more at ease than he had the whole time Phil knew him and Phil wasn’t going to disrupt that with his own worrying. 

They dusted themselves off and headed to the tent to get some practice in before the show. Phil watched as Dan triple checked the net like he did daily before following him up the ladder, enjoying the view as he went.

He laughed when Dan threatened to push him off the platform when he said so out loud.

Pride and genuine happiness bloomed in Phil’s chest as they executed their performance perfectly. 

 

“Ready?” Dan asked later, dolled up in his shining glittery make up, along with a nice sized bruise on his neck covered up after teasing from Flora and nonstop winking from Sophia. 

“I am if you are.” Phil smiled and hurried to his place. 

Swinging through the air with Dan, catching him and being caught by him with flips and spins would never get old. The adrenaline he felt when they were performing together in front of so many excited eyes was only rivaled by moments spent alone in seclusion. 

“Someone is here to interview you two! They’re going to put us in the paper!” Sophia bounced over to them. 

“What?” Dan panted. His hair was a curly frenzy on his head and his face shimmered with sweat more than glitter.

“A reporter is here to talk to the two of you. You’re this circus’ stars, boys!” Abam came over and clapped them hard on the back. “I know you’d love to talk about what a great opportunity this is for each of you. Go get us a bigger audience, now, the reporter man’s waiting over here. Let’s not keep him waiting.” He kept a hand on each of their back’s and steered them over to a man dressed nicer than anyone else that was there that night. Phil felt ridiculous in his sequin studded leotard next to him.

“Your performance was outstanding!” He declared excitedly and shook each of their hands. 

“Thank you.” Dan sai gracefully. 

“Now can I ask when you started wanting to be in the circus? How did you start with the acrobatic moves?” 

Dan patiently talked about his love of acrobatics and told a rather sheer story of it always being a dream of his. The lie made Phil’s stomach twist uneasily. Dan was good at playing the part but that didn’t stop the truth from stinging as Phil knew it was.

“And you, son? When did you decide to tightrope?” 

“Oh! I guess I’ve always liked the idea. The town I lived in just wasn’t a right fit. I, uh, used to go out back and practice walking on planks and boards and would try smaller and smaller and I guess eventually that just lead me here,” he answered honestly.

The man asked them several more questions, many of which they lied through their teeth with wide showbiz smiles about how grateful they all are to Abram and that it’s like a big happy family. Parts of that were true. Phil made sure to talk up Flora as much as possible without overshadowing Abram. They glossed over Lion the lion. Phil felt sick pretending the way he was treated was fine in any universe but Dan kept the conversation flowing smoothly and quickly.

Several hours later the man was thanking them and on his way. 

Phil drug his feet behind Dan to their tent. Everyone else was already away in their respectable tents, asleep.

“How were we up before everyone and after everyone as well?” Phil groaned.

Dan shrugged and sloppily kissed Phil goodnight before grinning and tucking into bed. 

Phil sighed as his back hit his bed. His eyelids slid closed finally for the night and he couldn’t help thinking about how different and wild his life had become 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> reblog this chapter on tumblr [ here! ](https://tortitabby.tumblr.com/post/184583457190/balancing-with-a-diving-heart-chapter-9)


	10. Chapter 10

It had been a few weeks since the reporter visited the circus. Abram had the page they were featured on posted throughout the tents in a way that started out exciting and quickly became embarrassing.

They were running out of tickets to sell nearly every night. Most places would just sell out but Abram would cram as many people into the stands as he could and even had a few nights with people sitting on the ground next to the stands. 

Despite record breaking sales and attendance, times reached an all time low for the performers. 

“I’m starving Flora. You don’t have anything?”

She ruffled Dan’s hair. “I usually get a cut for food and supplies but it’s looking rather dry lately.” She frowned. “I have enough for dinner later and tomorrow’s breakfast is all.”

“Shouldn’t you be getting more instead of less with how busy it is?” Phil asked quietly. Dan peaked over at him but it was Flora that clicked her tongue and shook her head.

“Best not imply anything further than that. I don’t see it doing anybody any good. I’ll take my cut and see what I can come up with in that town we passed on the way.”

“You can take mine too.” Dan said, standing up. Phil felt a little flutter of admiration of just how  _ good _ Dan was. 

Phil agreed to do the same and the two of them made their way back to their tent to grab the money. 

Most of the other performers were happy and excited to be featured in a local paper but there were a few seemingly bitter ones Phil was weary of. Jealousy was a wild and feral creature that he knew he’d better keep his distance from. It wouldn’t take much badgering for things to get bloody.

Some people hated sharing the spotlight in the first place. Han, naturally, was livid that they were the focus of the paper and the headliner essentially of the show and he made sure they both knew it. 

“Where are you two ladies going?” Phil’s skin prickled at the familiar drawl. He glanced up to see he had a whole group behind him, egging him on. 

Dan grit his teeth and Phil fought the urge to grab a hold of his hand.

“Don’t give him the satisfaction,” he muttered as they kept walking.

“Don’t think we don’t know what you’re off to go do!” A few people laughed and whooped. 

Phil held his head high and continued to walk next to Dan towards their tent– until his foot was caught on Han’s outstretched leg and he hit the ground face first before realizing what had happened.

“Fuck off, Han,” Dan growled from above him.

“Oooh, look at how sensitive little Danny is about his girlfriend!” A few people whistled while they all laughed.

“Listen, we don’t bother you. What would it take for you to leave us alone?” he asked as he helped Phil up.

“No that’s where you’re wrong. You  _ do _ bother me. You bother me a lot. I think you’re disgusting and this is a circus not a freak show. You can leave and then I’ll probably leave you alone.” He laughed a cold dry bark of a laugh. 

“Neither of them are leaving.” A gravelly voice boomed out and Phil looked over to see Abram glaring at Han. “They’re making me real money for once. You can lift all the impressive things you want to, boy, you’ve never made me rich like the two of them have. They aren’t leaving and I don’t care what anybody has to say about it. If they left what kind of lives would they leave? It would be a shame if all of this,” he motioned between the two of them, “followed them wherever they went.” He turned to Phil and eyed him up and down. “Clean yourself up before the act. You’re filthy.” He hesitated, seemingly wanting to add to that before deciding against it. He clapped Han on the back before stalking away. 

“Come on.” Phil hurried away, not wanting to get stuck talking to Han for any longer. 

 

“You okay?” Dan asked quietly as Phil sat on his cot in silence, just enjoying the solitude and comforting bubble their tent was shrouded in.

The taste of dirt and blood was overwhelming and Phil’s eyes stung with unshed tears but he nodded his head regardless. 

Dan left the tent and returned with a cup of water for Phil to rinse his mouth with and luckily at a closer inspection the blood was just from a cut bottom lip.

Dan crouched down and peered into Phil’s eyes. He gingerly leaned forward and pressed a soft kiss to Phil’s busted lip.

“He’s an asshole,” he whispered and brushed Phil’s hair off of his forehead. 

“He’s right about us,” Phil said quietly, not meeting Dan’s eyes.

“ _ No _ ,” Dan said angrily. Phil looked back over at him apprehensively. “We aren’t hurting anybody else. I– I won’t let anybody else tell me who I love is disgusting. Even if I don’t go parading it through the streets, I don’t think it’s disgusting. It’s not.” He huffed.

Phil blinked at him.

“You love me.” He pressed his forehead against Dan’s and whispered again in a sing-song voice. “ _ You love me _ ” 

Dan sputtered, his face flushing a deep red. 

“Maybe a bit.” He conceded with a smile that made Phil’s face grow hot, undoubtedly now matching Dan’s. 

“Maybe I love you a bit too.” Phil said in a hushed voice. “Maybe I want to run away with you and touch all of your bits.” 

Dan’s head flew back in a loud hyena laugh. “Oh my  _ god _ , way to ruin the mood!” 

 

They laughed all the way back to Flora’s tent, thankfully without incident this time. It was almost  time for the show so most of the acts were getting ready or practicing.

“No, you shouldn’t ask Flora to get sweets instead of food we actually need with some of your money Phil,  _ honestly _ .” Dan was cackling as they entered the tent but Phil stopped dead in his tracks. His head swam as his worlds collided in a way he never thought they would. He grasped for something to say or do, a way to tell Dan to stop talking and moving and stop  _ everything _ because he  _ knew _ that stranger sitting in a chair next to a somber looking Flora. 

“Martyn?” Phil felt a wave of shame and embarrassment wash over him. He never thought he’d face his brother again or have to defend the choices he made as a coward running from home and from his family. He never thought he’d see his brother’s face and realize how much he missed him. 

Dan grew quiet at his side.

“Phil!” Martyn jumped up and started moving towards him before stopping. 

It was awkward and painful and Phil quite missed the taste of dirt and blood with the solace of their quiet tent. 

“Phil. I, uh, it’s Mum.” 

Phil found his knees buckling as Dan rushed him to Flora’s bed to sit on. 

He’d killed her. His own mother. She couldn’t take the pain of her son just abandoning her– and for what? Because he didn’t like making cabinets? He knew it wasn’t as simple as that but–

“No, no! She’s okay!” Martyn held his hands up, reading Phil’s face. 

“She saw the newspaper and, well, she’s pretty ill. The doctor said she’ll probably pull out of it just fine but I’ve never seen her this sick. She worries about you. Just come back? You can do whatever you want to do, Phil. You don’t have to make cabinets. She misses you– we all do.”  He made a pained expression and glanced at Dan before pointedly looking at the ground.

 

“It’s not home without you. You can be whoever you want to be.” He hesitated and quietly added, “or be with whoever you want to.”

Flora cleared her throat and squeezed Phil’s arm.

Phil looked at her and back to Martyn who was watching Dan with clear interest. It made Phil want to squirm where he was sitting as well as simultaneously put Dan on display for the world to see and yell  _ ‘Yes, yes he is all mine thank you very much!’  _

Phil let out a long breath. 

“I have a life here now, Mar.” 

His brother’s face fell.

“If you’re here because you want to be,” he hardened his gaze, “ if being here makes you happy and allows you be free to be who you are then I don’t have to ever let anybody know that I found you. This is up to you, Phil.”

Phil looked helplessly over at Dan. 

“Home’s not always a place,” he said in a tiny voice, well aware of their audience. 

“Your home can come with.” Martyn said before Dan could speak up.

Phil grabbed Dan’s hand. It was a rush performing every night. There were aspects of his life here he loved. He would miss Flora and Sophia, the rush of performing, lunches with Lion the lion, but if it wasn’t for Dan he knew he would go home in a heartbeat. 

It was the ride of his life the months Phil spent in the circus, but it was exhausting. He missed his family. He missed his bed that was in an actual house. He missed that house and that neighborhood and that sometimes stifling town that was still where his family and memories all lived. He missed his mother with his entire being and the thought of her being unwell and worrying over him on top of that ate at him. 

Dan sat next to him and squeezed his hands.

“Phil you have to go. I know how much you love your Mum. I know how much you miss her. If she’s not well you can’t stay here,” he said evenly. 

“Would it be crazy if I asked you to come with me? I want my home to come with me,” Phil whispered. 

Dan breathed out a laugh and nodded with a watery smile. “Yeah it’d be pretty mad. Almost as mad as me agreeing. We must  _ both _ be out of our minds.”

Phil surged forward to crash their lips together before quickly being mindful of his surroundings.

“Sorry!” He squeaked. He knew his face was bright red. 

Dan grabbed Phil’s face on either side and brought them back together in a short and sweet kiss that was far too chaste. “Please don’t ever be sorry for that,” he said.

“Boys Im going to miss you,” said Flora. They both jumped as her voice startled them back to the present. “But there are better lives for you to live out there.”

“Wait– Abram is never going to let us go.” It wasn’t a question. Dan’s face paled at the realization. 

“Abram?”

Phil ignored his brother’s puzzled face.

“What should we do?”

Flora put her hands on her hips and sighed. 

“Listen. He’s going to be mad, real mad. After the show will be crazy enough you can get far enough away that he’d have to spend money to get to you. I don’t think he’s going to want to lose any more than he already will having lost the two of you. I’ll get Sophia to help and we’ll have to act quick. You’ll need to wait at that general store in the town nearby,” she said to Martyn.

They discussed the plan until it was time for their costumes and make-up.  His heartbeat was loud in his ears as he watched Dan check the net before rushing to get his face painted.  Phil ran to their tent and shoved all of their things into a few bags that were ready to quickly be snatched up after the show before he got in line for his turn. Before he knew it they were waiting in the wings and wishing each other luck.

Phil watched Sophia bend and twist around herself for the last time. His heart was heavy at the thought that  they didn’t spend more time with her today.

Finally, the light was on him. His mind was racing with their soon to be quick escape and he went through the motions of the act on autopilot. Before he knew it he was up on his swing, ready for Dan to swoop in to latch onto for the last act.

He turned to watch Dan and take in the beauty for the final time.

The gold brought out all of the warm features of Dan and shimmered in the light just the right way to take away his breath. 

Dan took a deep breath and grabbed onto his swing as he pushed himself away from his platform.

Things quickly took a turn for the worse.

His fingers slipped from the bar mid-swing, before he even got his second hand on it. 

For the first time since Phil had been part of the circus Dan was free falling towards the net at the bottom and even though Phil knew he would be fine, that Dan checked the net every single day, that Phil  _ watched _ Dan check the net every day and it was sturdy and would catch him just fine– he still felt dizzy with worry. 

Just as he thought of how ridiculous it was to worry so much for no reason– Dan reached the net. 

It came undone as soon as Dan made contact with it and did nothing to slow his fall. He seemed to fall forever and in no time all at once before he hit the ground on his side with a sickening loud  _ crack _ that Phil could hear all the way from the top of the tent. 

The audience was deafening with screams and yells and it was only after the fact when Phil’s throat stung that he realized he must have been yelling in horror along with them. 

He scrambled down the ladder at a speed entirely too fast to be safe after witnessing their safety precautions fail.

Just as his feet hit the ground and he started to run to Dan, someone grabbed his arm and pulled him away.

“What are you doing? Let go!” Phil looked over to see Flora with a tight grip and a somber face. “You’ve got to leave, Phil!” she yelled over the crowd. 

“What? No! I can’t leave Dan–”

“Phil it’s not safe. There’s no way Abram’s going to let you go, especially now. You need to take this as an opportunity to leave! I know it’s not ideal…”

Phil looked to where a group was crowding around Dan. He was holding his arm and groaning loudly. He was hurt but he was okay.

“He’ll understand. I’ll watch out for him.” She said softly, following his gaze.

“Flora…”

She shook her head and steered  him towards the exit. “Sophia is waiting. She’ll take you to your brother.  Take care of yourself.” She engulfed him in her arms and hugged him tight. “I’ll miss you.” 

Then she was off, jogging back over to Dan’s side. 

Phil tore himself away and ran from the tent.

“I’ve got your things. Flora filled me in.” Sophia sprinted to his side with his bag. “We need to hurry. This will be a good distraction long enough for you and your brother to disappear. We used some of our combined money to get you train tickets.” 

Guilt gripped Phil’s insides tight. 

“ _ This distraction _ is Dan getting hurt. He checks that net every day, Sophia this  _ wasn’t _ an accident.” 

“I know that. I’ve seen him fuss over that net every morning since he’s been here. All the more reason it isn’t safe anymore for you to both be here,” she paused, “I’ve heard so many stories from you of your mum. Wish her well from all of us.” 

It grew quiet between them and Phil got lost in his own head. Before he knew it they were reaching a nervous looking Martyn.

“Where’s Dan?” 

Sophia shook her head. “He’s not coming. You two need to go. I think a train should leave within the hour.” She wrapped her arms around Phil. 

“I’m sorry if the things I said made tonight worse,” she said when they pulled apart.

“You didn’t,” Phil said firmly. “Thank you for helping me. Tell Flora too? I think I– I think I forgot.” 

She nodded and pulled him into another hug. 

“Go live a full life,” she said simply before she left to return to the circus before anyone noticed she was gone. It wasn’t likely with the way the night went.

Phil shrugged less attention grabbing clothes on before collapsing onto an empty chair. The brothers sat in silence until a train rolled in and rolled back out with them on it at a speed entirely too fast for Phil’s tired mind to keep up with.

“Phil?” Martyn finally asked as the countryside flew past their windows. 

Phil shook his head, a tidal wave of rage and frustration that built up over the last few hours of frustration and helplessness finally folded over him, drenching him with a fury solely at himself. 

“I don’t want to talk about Dan. I don’t want to talk about the circus and my act with Dan. I don’t want to think about leaving him injured and alone with people who want to hurt me–  _ us _ . I don’t want to talk about how a day from now we will have travelled in opposite directions from each other and will never see each other again.” 

Phil laughed hollowly.

“Martyn I did  _ everything _ wrong tonight.” 

Martyn dug around in his bag and pulled out a brightly colored sweet, Phil’s favorite since childhood. 

He stood and placed it on Phil’s lap before gently squeezing his shoulder and moving to the empty seat a row ahead, taking advantage of them having the train to themselves. 

Phil took his anger out on the bag and ripped it open before finally slowing down, his chest heaving.

“Get some sleep, Phil,” Martyn said softly.

Phil’s eyes burned as he shoved the candy in his mouth and swallowed it down, trying to ignore how bitter it tasted. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [reblog on tumblr ](https://tortitabby.tumblr.com/post/184862096420/balancing-with-a-diving-heart-chapter-ten)


	11. Chapter 11

Phil let out a big heavy sigh as they reached the gate in front of the old wooden house that the Lester’s made a home over the years. It had been in the family from generations of Lester’s Phil never got the chance to meet.

He passed the mailbox and the place he had skinned his knee learning to ride a bike, went past the spot he had found and cared for a family of snails as a boy and beyond the spot their family pet rabbit, Molly, had dug up his mum’s favorite flowers. 

They reached the door and Martyn grabbed his shoulder, stopping him from opening the door.

“Phil. Wait. I’m sorry.” He looked at the ground awkwardly and toed at the stone pathway they were stood on. “I know you left a lot to come back and I know that you probably don’t want Mum to feel bad for it. You– You’re a good man. Dan seemed like a good man too. I just wanted to tell you I’m sorry things played out the way that they did even if I couldn’t have done anything to change it.”

Phil swayed on his feet. He felt like he had whiplash between the sentiment from his brother and hearing Dan’s name. 

“Thanks.” He murmured quietly. He forced himself to meet his brother’s gaze. “Thank you.” 

  
  


They made their way inside and Phil was anxious to not immediately have eyes on his ill mother. 

“Philip!” His father pulled him into an embrace and squeezed tight. “I don’t know what made you leave, son, but I’m glad you’re back. I hope you found what you were looking for out there. I’m going to head over to your grandad’s land and tell him the good news. You go see your mum.”  

He pushed him towards the backyard without waiting for a reply. 

“I told her it was too cold out for her this morning but you know how she likes early summer mornings.” 

Phil nodded and tried not to think about the fact that it was now June and sometime during the summer was Dan’s birthday. He never got the chance to find out which day exactly. 

He slid through the partially open back door and found his mother sitting on the steps with a mountain of blankets piled on her lap and draped over her shoulders no doubt from his dad. 

She had a book laid on top but it was closed and she was staring into her garden.

“....Mum?” He said so softly he was afraid she wasn’t going to hear him. He felt horrible for leaving her. Look what had happened. It seemed he was always leaving the people that needed him. He dug his nails into the palm of his hand.

Kathryn spun around with a face splitting smile spread from one ear to the other. “Phil!” She cried out. Her voice sounded worn and horse. “Come here!” 

He dove into her arms and wrapped his around her frail body. She was thinner than he remembered and he didn’t miss the way her hands shook.

“My boy!” She cupped his face and searched behind his eyes for all of the answers for the questions she didn’t ask. She nodded sadly and pulled him into another hug.   
“I don’t know why you’re hurting but I’m sorry that you are. I  _ missed _ you, Child.” She said in his ear. 

She pulled away and coughed hard into her shoulder before slumping against him.

“Mum you need to get back inside to bed,” Phil fussed and carefully hoisted her up to her feet. 

She directed him to a bed that was made up in the sitting room with windows to the garden. 

“My coughing was keeping your father up and I wanted the view.” She explained. 

Phil got her situated before looking over to a lumpy sofa that was older than Martyn in the corner of the room. “I’m going to stay in here with you.” 

“Phil. No you don’t need to do–”

“Mum. I’m going to stay in here with you and I’m going to take care of you until you’re better.” He grabbed her shaky hands and squeezed gently. “Please. Let me do this. I– I need to do  _ something _ . I should have never left like that.” She started to argue but he shook his head fiercely. 

“I’m not sorry that I left. I needed to and when it hurts less I want to tell you all about the circus– and Dan. You would love Dan, Mum. I’m sorry for the way I left. It was cowardly and I shouldn’t have done that to you guys.” 

She smiled sadly at him. “You better make up that sofa nice and cozy if you’re staying in here, then. I can’t wait to hear all about him.”

*

 

Stuffy summer air that was humid from being trapped in the tall tent all day long whooshed in Phil’s ears as he swung ring to ring. 

A tall brunette swung in front of him, seemingly always a swing or two away. The sequins of his costume gleamed in the light and shone in Phil’s eyes. 

Dan. Always just out of reach.

He tried to call out to slow down. They couldn’t do the show this way if he could never get to him; yet his name always died on Phil’s lips. 

Phil’s arms ached as he struggled to catch up. The gleam off the sequins shone brighter. Phil miscalculated when he went to grasp the bar he was reaching for and suddenly he was careening down.

Down towards the bottom of the tent that seemed to go on and on without a bottom.

Something glimmered in the dark abyss underneath him and before he hit the bottom that was rapidly materializing in front of him he realized it was Dan. 

Phil stopped motionless in the sky suspended above Dan. He was bent at an odd and unnatural shape and his warm brown eyes were black and devoid of color as they stared up at Phil in a grimace.

Phil opened his mouth to call out to him and was woken up by his own shouting.

 

He sprung upright in his bed, panting and trying to get a grip on reality. He was thankful he was no longer sharing a room with his mother and didn’t have to see her expression of worry peering over at him from her bed. 

It had been nearly a year since Phil left the circus. The night he left plagued his dreams at least once a week, sometimes more. 

He shook the image of Dan’s cold dark eyes from his mind and stretched before venturing out to the kitchen that smelled that fruit and pastries and everything good that Phil could fill his hollow feeling gut with.

“Hello, Love.” Kath set her baked goods on the counter and stood on the ends of her toes to press a kiss to Phil’s temple. “I don’t think the store has any deliveries today but your grandad is here and wanted to speak with you. I think Martyn said he was stopping by as well.” She beamed at him.

Phil met her smile with one of his own, grateful for her health. It had been a rough year with a few more scares than he’d ever admit to his brother or father, but she was better and stronger than ever these days.

“Philip!” His grandad’s voice boomed through the house as he entered the room. Phil eyed him warily. 

His grandad had been less than understanding about his disappearance and was the only family member that Phil decided to keep all his stories about Dan and the circus from. It only took one mention of the other man’s name one time when Phil had only just been back to make his grandfather squirm in his seat uncomfortably and avoid eye contact. Phil tried to kick down the tiny voice in his head that reasoned that it was a prime example of why Phil left in the first place. 

“Hey Grandad.” He smiled politely. 

“Sit down, boy. I have a serious matter to discuss with you.” 

Phil found his place at the table and wrung his hands together as he stared at the older man. Something told Phil it wasn’t going to be about organizing orders and deliveries for the family company.

“I just had to tell you I think what you’ve done for your mother this year is honorable. I have heard erm, that it wasn’t the  _ easiest _ for you to come back that night. Now Kathryn is probably the healthiest person under this roof.” He laughed. “These kind of conversations aren’t easy for me. I just wanted to say I’m proud of you.” 

Out of the corner of his eye Phil noticed Martyn practically vibrating from the doorway. 

“I know your brother came here wanting to talk to you but he can wait his turn.” He added gruffly. 

Martyn rolled his eyes and looked away but Phil noticed his leg still bouncing impatiently. 

“Phil I’ve decided I’m getting too old to live so far from the shop. You’ve really stepped up this year and I’d be willing to bet you’ve saved our Kath’s life. If you want it the old farm is yours. I know you don’t have a real reason to have all that land and it is a good hour’s walk from here. I just thought this way you can be away without actually having to leave us. I’m moving into the spare room here. It’s time I’m closer and without your grandmother there’s no reason for me to be out there.” 

Phil let out a long breath. On one hand he did like his distance. He liked the idea of being away from it all in the old barnhouse he chased his brother around in countless summers from his childhood. At the same time it was hard enough coping with the suffocating feeling of being alone even surrounded by his loving family. 

“Don’t feel like you have to decide right now. That house isn’t going anywhere.” Phil tried to smile as his grandad clapped him on the shoulder with a grin before quickly making the excuse to need to get to work and exiting the building. 

He was still trying to gather his thoughts when Martyn appeared in front of him gnawing on his bottom lip. 

“Phil…” He sounded anxious, and more unsure than Phil had ever heard him-even when he spoke about the brilliant red headed woman he was head over heels for or when he told Phil they were moving across town together without being wed despite their families disapproval. 

He sounded wary and cautious and not at all like Martyn.

“Phil,” he repeated. “I’m just going to come out with it.” he met Phil’s eyes. “The circus. It’s the next town over tonight. I looked into it. It’s the same one.” 

Phil felt like he was going to be ill. He grabbed Martyn’s arms and shook his head.    
“I– what do I do?” He gasped. Dan was so close. It had been a long year, though. Who’s to say he was still there? Who’s to say Dan would even want anything to do with him after all this time? After leaving so suddenly without any indication of doing so or any sort of goodbye? 

Phil felt like sobbing or throwing his mum’s decorative dishes around the kitchen. There wasn’t enough time. 

“He’s there. He’s still on the poster.” Martyn took out a crumpled piece of paper from his pocket and tried to smooth it out. Through the creases and wrinkles Dan was unmistakable. The mask painted on his face was some sort of dark color yet the camera still caught the way it made his bright eyes pop. His hair was as curly as ever and his expression and stance was serious and focused. 

Phil felt wounded at the sight of him. He wasn’t a nightmare following him all this time or a memory too far to reach. He was here– close and real. 

“He’s very handsome. You’ve got to go.” Kathryn said nonchalantly as she gazed at the picture from over the rim of her reading glasses. 

“Mum. I don’t know. What if he–”

“Oh come off it!” Martyn rolled up the poster and hit him with it. “You have to go and get him. He was ready to come home with you. I saw the two of you last year. I’m not stupid, Phil. We all know how bad you’ve hurt this whole time. This might not be nice to hear but I can’t imagine he has been feeling any better!”

Phil threw his hands in the air. “It isn’t that simple! The ringleader– he’s powerful and manipulative and– and–”

“Well we’re going to go with and help you.” Kath said with a shrug. “You shouldn’t have nursed me back to health so well if you didn’t want me to meddle.” 

Martyn laughed and then turned to Phil. “It’s always going to be your call but I think we all know what it’s going to be.” 

Phil laughed shakily. “I guess… let’s go get Dan?” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you can reblog this chapter right here if you'd like! 


	12. Chapter 12

“So what’s the plan?” Kath put her hand on Phil’s shoulder as they stared across the field at the tent Phil remembered being taller and much more intimidating. 

“It’s gigantic.” She breathed out at his side. 

“We have to be stealthy when we go in. We just need to run into the right people and then get to Dan and get out of there all together this time. Quick and easy.”

Martyn nodded eagerly. “We’ll follow you.”

Phil took a deep breath in that came out shaky and nervous. Despite that, he felt confident and bold. He was ready.

Phil walked right up to the entrance and waved the two of them to hurry along behind him. The key was to pretend they belonged. Phil knew from experience show days were too busy to pay close attention to other people. 

They jogged to the cluster of tents and Phil was quick to pull his mother to his side behind the first one. 

Martyn hid behind the next one down and Phil’s heart raced as he watched Han walk into the tent that was just two ahead of them. If he saw Phil it would be all over. 

Phil didn’t let himself get into his head about the consequences if things went sideways. He had his mother and his brother with him and too much to risk things going sour. He knew Abram had to be livid about his disappearance last year and wasn’t going to let Dan go if he could help it.

He broke into a run once all evidence of Han leaving and pulled his mother and Martyn into a tent a few further down. He knew Abram wouldn’t be hanging around in the tents if he could help it. He had to act while he knew where Han was.

A sassy irritated voice from the back corner of the tent startled him into rethinking his plan. 

“Excuse me, can I help yo–  _ Phil _ !?” Flora was engulfing him in a bone crushing hug before he had time to register her bedazzled dress and beard full of flowers. 

“Oh, what are you doing here? Let me see you.” She held him out and studied his face before looking him up and down. “Fine if not a little mopey. Can’t say Dan isn’t much better off. I blame him feeding that damn lion the sandwiches I make him all the time but–  _ Oh–”  _ She turned to Kath and hesitantly pulled her into a much less aggressive hug.

“I’m hoping this is Mum? I hope you’re well. I’m Flora.”

Kath squeezed Flora tight a second time before nodding. Phil was surprised to see her eyes glistening. 

“Much better, yes. I’ve heard so much about you. Thank you for helping my boy and making sure all of  _ his _ food didn’t go to the lion as well,” she laughed. 

“Phil!” Sophia had barely peeked her head into the tent before she was twirling Phil around in a hug, smile from ear to ear. “You’re not back are you? I’d love for you to be but things are pretty bad now.”

Phil shook his head and frowned. “I’m here to get Dan. What do you mean things are bad now?”

“Abram is out of control. There’s not much we can do to stop him. We don’t get any money for food and supplies anymore. Our cuts aren’t even half of what they used to be even though I know we are making more money than we ever were before.” Flora hesitated and avoided Phil’s gaze. “He gives Dan a bigger cut because he knows he uses it to get what we need. He holds it over that poor boy’s head and if he steps a toe out of line he gives him less and less. Abram tells the circus Dan demands more and that’s why we have less and let me tell you, out of all the secret talents in this circus manipulation from that man is the greatest.”

“I think he’s punishing Dan,” Sophia said sadly. Flora shot her a dirty look and tried to quiet her but Phil pieced it together regardless.

“For me leaving.” 

Flora smiled sadly at him. “You’re here now, dear. Get him out of this place.”

“You can all come.” Kath piped up from next to Phil. “We’ll make room. You are clearly family to my son, so you’re family to us as well.” Martyn nodded.

“Oh I love you for that, I do. But, this place, this mad place, is somewhere outcasts can go when they’ve got nowhere else. I can’t let the Abram’s of the world stop it from being that,” Flora said. “For every scared girl out there growing a beard, or every tightrope walker who’s looking to find himself… I’ve got to be here for them.”

Kath smiled fondly, “You’re making me want to pull you into another hug. At least let me help you now? Do you have much to do before the show tonight.”

Flora sighed. “I would love that, thank you. We’ll come up with a game plan while we get things ready.” She looked over at Phil. “You go get Dan.” 

“I’ll take you to him.” Sophia said determinedly. “We’ll get you two out of here together this time.”  

She grabbed his arm and aggressively hauled  him from the tent. She was strong for the tiny thing she was. Phil looked back to see Martyn laughing and waving dramatically at him, while Kath already had her head down helping Flora with some sort of costume at a table.

Sophia marched right into a tent that was thankfully rather close. 

Phil stopped before he went inside and took a deep breath. A year was a long time. What if Dan resented him for leaving, especially if it made his life so much harder afterwards? Phil wouldn’t blame him if he did. He forced his legs to move forward as he ducked into the tent.

Dan was standing there, tall and gorgeous just as Phil remembered him as, staring intently  at Sophia. He was in dirty day clothes with just plain trousers that had suspenders holding them up over a plain white shirt that seemed too loose. His hair was fluffier than Phil remembered and his face contradicted his dreary day clothes with black sparkling paint over his eyes and the bridge of his nose. He was frowning at what Sophia was saying.

“–and he’s here at the circus today!” She threw her hands high above her head in excitement.

Dan’s frown deepened and he shook his head aggressively. Phil wanted the ground under his feet to open up and swallow him whole. His stomach plummeted to his feet and he felt faint at the words that were flying nervously from Dan’s mouth. 

“ _ What _ ? Right now? Soph’ you have to tell him to leave. Tell him I don’t want to see him or that I’m not here.”

“Dan! I can’t just–”

“You can Sophia. Make him go. I can’t  _ believe _ he came back. Make something up if you have to. I–”

Dan’s bright coffee eyes were wide and wild locked onto Phil. He visibly deflated. Phil was just about to stammer out an excuse and run as far away from this circus as he possibly could when Dan slammed his mouth shut and in two big strides of his long legs was in front of Phil and wrapping his arms around him and squeezing like his life depended on it. 

Phil shakily put his arms around Dan’s shaking frame and locked eyes with a confused Sophia from across the tent. She smiled and backed outside of it, giving them their space. 

Phil ran his fingers through Dan’s curls. His heart panged at the wetness on his neck as Dan buried his head further into Phil’s shoulder. He was gripping Phil so tight that Phil knew there were sure to be little fingerprint bruises on his hips already forming. 

Dan pulled back and wrenched his mouth open to say something but just a soft sob came out and he dissolved back into Phil’s arms.

Phil shushed him softly and cupped his face. He pulled him back to meet his red rimmed eyes. He gently wiped a tear away with the side of his thumb, slightly smearing the shimmering black paint in the process. 

“Why are you back?” Dan croaked softly. “It’s gotten so bad, Phil. I can’t have you suffer through all of this too. What about your mum? Is she okay? What–”   
“Hey, calm down. Take a breath.” Phil whispered. “I’m not back. I’m just here to bring you home. You belong home with me– not here with that monster taking advantage of you being a good person. I’m so sorry Dan. I’m sorry I left.”

“Don’t. I would have hated if you wasted your chance to go to your mum because of me. Is she–”

“She’s fine.” Phil smiled. “I’ve  _ missed _ you.” his chest ached as he let himself feel how true that was. The full weight of just how big the hole in his life without Dan in it settled between his ribs and stole his breath.  

Dan brought his lips to Phil’s with the subtle  taste of salt from his tears.

He pulled back and pressed his forehead against Phil’s. His eyes were glistening as they darted between Phil’s. They crinkled in the corners as his face split into a grin.

“Let’s get out of here then? Take me home, Lester.” 

Phil kissed him again quickly. 

“Let’s go find my mum and Martyn. I think they’re with Flora still.”

He pulled Dan out of the tent, laughing at how nervous he suddenly was.

“I’m meeting your mum, I’m allowed to be nervous. I’m wearing filthy clothes with face paint half cried off.” 

Sophia beamed at them both and bounced over. 

“Come on! I think they’re over here. We’re going to sneak you out now, while the crowd is starting to trickle in.” 

They made their way towards the back side of the circus. There wasn’t a lot of people around and Kath waved excitedly when they turned the corner and saw them waiting inside of the tent, out of view. 

They barely made it inside of the tent when an unpleasant familiar voice shouted out to them.

“What the hell do you think you’re doing back here?” 

Phil turned around to see Han standing in the entrance with gritted teeth and hands balled into fists at his side. His chest was heaving as he glowered at the two of them.

“You think you can just waltz back in here? Nobody wants you here. I don’t understand why you’re kind are even allowed to be here. I don’t know why people allow you to keep  _ breathing _ .” He spit at their feet. “Disgusting.”

Sophia pulled at Phil’s arm. He looked to where she was staring. Abram was marching over from the back side of the tent, face beet red. Phil could almost see the steam coming from his ears. 

“Dan we need to leave.” He muttered.

“I’m talking to you!” Han shoved Phil in the middle of his chest. Dan grabbed Phil and stabilized him before he could fall all the way back. Out of the corner of his eye, Phil could see Abram getting closer and closer. They had definitely been seen.

“Don’t touch him, Han. Why do you care if we’re here? Why do you care if we’re leaving? Isn’t that what you want?” Dan growled.

“Nobody is leaving. I mean it this time!” Abram boomed. “Dan if you try to leave there will be consequences. You think there’s a place in the world out there for people like you? If you fit in so well out there how did you end up here in the first place?” 

Dan clasped Phil’s hand and ran his thumb over his knuckles. “I’ve found my place and it isn’t here.” He said with his chin high and a determined expression. 

“What’s going on? What’s happening?” Kath jogged up with Martyn in tow.

“Did you push my brother?” Martyn asked Han heatedly. 

A cocktail of embarrassment and gratitude washed over Phil as he stared at his brother. There was a considerable age gap, yet Martyn hadn’t had to step in and play the older brother card very often in his childhood.

“This little fairy here’s your brother?” 

“Watch it.” Surprisingly, it was Sophia who piped up, arching an eyebrow challengingly at Han.

“Nothing is happening, ma’am. My performers were just getting back to work. They have a show to do and playtime is  _ over _ .”

“I’m not a performer here any longer. Neither is Phil.” Dan said. “Let us go and there won’t be any issues.” 

Abram laughed and rolled his eyes. “You and I both know your little friends lives are going to be hell if you walk out of here. Get back to work. And fix your face paint.” He sneered.

“Abram we don’t need them.” Han growled and hurried over to him. “Who cares if they can swing in the air? How is that impressive? I could lift a house if it was provided for me. Give me better props and I could be your golden boy.” He hurried over to a dumbbell that surely weighed more than he did.

“You think it’s impressive that he still played around in the air with his broken hand? I can lift this entire thing with one hand behind my back! Watch!” 

He hoisted the dumbbell high over his head and sweat beaded on his brow as he glared over at them. 

“I can do it. I can be the star of the show! You don’t need them!” 

Phil saw the thick veins in the arm over his head bulge out as his large arm started to wobble. He turned his head quickly to Dan’s side just as the dumbbell fell with a sickening crunch that was only drowned out by the screams around them. 

“Han! Dammit!” 

Sophia crouched down by the bloodied man and searched for a pulse. She shook her head at Phil, her eyes wide and terrified. 

“Get away, dumb girl. He’s dead or as good as dead. What a fool.” Abram said angrily and pushed her aside. 

“Clean this up! We have to clean this up before it’s showtime.” Crew members hurried in only to stop and gawk at the mess in front of them. 

Abram started shouting orders. Flora motioned at their group to follow her as she ran to the back entrance of the tent. 

“Go! He’s really not going to want you to leave now.” She pulled a switchblade out of her sash tied around her like a belt and hurried to one of the ropes. “Sophia go get the other ropes. This will buy them some time.” She turned to Dan sternly.

“You go live your life for yourself and have a wonderful time. I love you. Come see our circus next time it’s around. I’m done taking orders from that awful man.” She laughed and sawed at the rope. 

“We’ll see you two again!” Sophia said confidently. She ran to the other side and made quick work of the rope there. 

Half of the gigantic tent collapsed in on itself, shouts and angry yells came from inside.

Phil took off running with Dan’s hand in his own. Martyn and his mum at their side, both still looking a bit green from witnessing Han’s gruesome end. 

Phil’s arm was pulled taut as Dan came to a halt, a funny expression on his face. 

“Dan we have to go!” Phil yelled and tried to pull him along.

“Phil… I know this is totally mad…” he hesitated. 

“What is it?” Kath asked. 

“Lion.”    
“What?” Phil asked.

“Lion the lion. Phil. I know it’s actually crazy but we can’t leave him here. He’ll die without me.”

Phil stared back at Dan and knew he was right. 

“You are not serious. Phil? You can’t really be talking about bringing an actual real lion home.” Martyn said.

“Wait!” Phil gasped. “Granddad gave me his property. It was just this morning.” He turned to Dan. “Let’s go get him. He can be in the barn while we build a huge enclosure for him to lay in the grass and feel the sun again.”

“I love you.” Dan said while shaking his head in awe.

They ran to the crate Lion the lion was kept in hand in hand and all let out a collective sigh of relief when they realized the crate he was in had wheels.

“Phil that lion is going to maul us if we stick our hands in the bars to push it.” Martyn said dryly. 

Phil glanced at him and their mother and felt a stab of guilt at what they had to endure tonight. 

“You push at the back and mum you pull the handle at the front.” He glanced at Dan. “We’ll take the sides.”

“Phil I don’t think anyone should put their hands in there.” Kath said worridly.

Lion the lion let out a small sound of excitement as he recognized Phil.

“Hey there. I missed you.” Phil said softly. 

Lion the lion plopped onto his side with a disinterested huff. 

Phil grabbed the bars and watched nervously as Dan did the same on the other side.

“Let’s go!” 

 

They made quite the spectacle leaving the circus.

People tended to stay clear of four people pulling a cart with a live lion pacing it. 

That combined with the tent now totally collapsed and rumors and gasps about a dead man inside of it seemed to clear people out in record time.

Before Phil knew it they were pulling the cart into the barn he grew up playing inside of with Martyn and cousins that had long since moved away. 

“This will be your home until we get a brand new one built for you. We’re going to go grab the best meat we can find for you. Much better than any old sandwich meat.” Phil said as they pushed it all the way inside.

“You’re going to have a great life here, Lion the lion.” Dan grunted as they finally moved it in place.

Lion the lion went over to Dan’s hand and gave it a quick tentative lick. 

Dan gasped in surprise and looked over at Phil through the bars.

“You’re welcome.” Phil answered to Lion with a smile. 

They left the barn after making sure it was locked up safe and secure.

Kathryn engulfed Dan in a hug as soon as he turned around.

“I am so happy you are here and part of the family. You are going to have a good life here, as well. I’m so happy you and my son found each other and if you ever need anything at all from me you’ll let me know immediately.” She ordered.

“And what did that horrible man mean performing on a broken hand?” Martyn asked.

Phil stared dumbly at his brother before he remembered Han’s heated words about Dan.

He turned to Dan who gave him a reproachful look.    
“My hand.” He held up his left hand. “I wasn’t allowed any time to heal so I had to perform on it busted. I could barely hold those swings with it anymore. Pushing the crate here really didn’t agree with it.” He made a face.

“Dan!” Phil swatted at his shoulder. “Let’s go get some ice on it.”

“I’ll get that set up. Martyn will you go get your father and tell him we’re back alright? Grab some extra sheets from the house for the guest bed here.” She glanced at Phil. “I guess it’s not a guest bed anymore, is it dear?” She kissed him on the forehead and hurried inside as Martyn trudged down the street towards town.

Dan laced his fingers in Phil’s and pulled him back towards the barn. 

“Follow me?” He asked with a smile. 

Phil nodded and let Dan lead him past the barn and into the field that years and years ago in Phil’s childhood held horses and cows and even a goat or two. It was now only full of tall, cool grass and soon a real life african lion. 

Dan laid back on the ground and stared up at Phil who couldn’t help the giggle that bubbled out of him. 

“I was thinking we could watch the stars?” Dan asked with a blinding smile, mocking Phil’s words from all that time ago back at him.

“I’d love to.” Phil said softly and laid down at Dan’s side. He pulled Dan’s injured hand into his own and rubbed the skin soothingly. He stared up at the face he loved. It was tired and adorned with more worried lines and sun kissed freckles than when he first saw it, and the ink black face paint was smudged around those warm eyes he’d dreamt of for a year. It was perfect and it was never going to leave Phil’s side again. 

Phil sighed happily and laid his head on Dan’s chest and enjoyed the sound of his love’s heart beating happily in his ear as he stared up at the star filled sky. 

.

  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the last chapter!  
> I should have an epilogue posted soon!  
> Thank you all for reading <3  
> If you want to [ reblog on tumblr ](https://tortitabby.tumblr.com/post/185462593240/balancing-with-a-diving-heart-chapter-twelve) please do! It's much appreciated!!


	13. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So many thanks to Callie for being the best beta reader I could ask for for this fic. I appreciate not only how much you helped with my "does this make sense" "does this work?" "Is this too cliche" each chapter lol... but also how much you cared for this fic and were excited to spark ideas and piece it together with me. <3 I can't say enough how much better this entire story is with you working on it with me <3 <3

  
  


Phil stretched his long limbs out under the thick handmade quilt his mum spent the previous winter making. It was Dan’s favorite thing they owned and Phil was surprised to see his side of the bed empty.

He gravitated across the bed, stretching out across the whole of it, and noticed that Dan’s side was cool to the touch. He’d been up awhile then.

Phil sighed and made his way down to their kitchen and where his Mum and Flora were fussing over the stove together.

“Flora!” Phil exclaimed and pulled her into a sleepy hug. 

“Hello Phil! I hope we didn’t wake you before the sun is even up! They’re setting the tent up now…” She trailed off with a question in her voice.

He waved her off “You are always welcome here and that includes the whole circus. We meant it, Flora.” He placed a hand on her shoulder and smiled warmly.

“Where’d Dan get to? Is he helping set up?”

Kath shook her head but didn’t look up from the abundance of pastries the two of them were baking, no doubt for the entire crew. 

“He went into town. He came to let me know the circus was back so I could come and help Flora. Graham has two cases for you so I think he went to pick that up.” She dusted her hands as she stood upright and finally smiled over at him. 

Graham was the butcher in town who donated any extra trimmings or spare meat he had for their growing family of carnivores. 

It started with just Lion the lion, happy in his own big enclosure, rolling in the grass and grumbling to himself. It had grown in the two years they had lived there with another lion aptly named Lioness that bossed Lion around and cared for him like a cub, a lone tiger named Stripes and a bear Phil was determined to name Susan that only had three legs that shared a space with two other bears named Honey and Winnie. 

Phil’s heart was warm and heavy with the lion enclosure turned sanctuary their land had become. He felt sad for the animals that were too broken or dependent to turn back to the wild but he knew he and Dan would make their lives the best they possibly could with habitats that gave them more than enough room to roam. 

“Oh he should have woken me up,” Phil mumbled. 

Kath just laughed and ruffled his hair. 

“I’m happy I didn’t miss him this morning,” Flora said with a smile, “That boy is the closest I ever had to having one of my own. If anyone asked I never said that.” She waved a batter covered spoon threateningly at the two of them.

Phil laughed and looked out of the big window in their kitchen that looked over their land. 

It was too dark to see anything properly but the massive silhouette of the tent cut through the top of the fields. 

“I’m going to go say hello to everyone and see if they need any help,” he said and rushed to get dressed and hurry out the door.

The sun was finally rising, dousing the fields in a soft, warm light that Phil felt down to his toes.

“Good morning, Lion the lion!” He called as he passed the lion enclosure. 

Lion stretched out of his cave and made a loud happy grumble sound back at Phil. Lioness was prowling the perimeter, ignoring Phil like usual.

He took a deep breath of fresh early morning air. He didn’t usually get up this early in the winter, it was the summer when he and Dan taught gymnastics in the barn to the children and a handful of excited adults from the town.

He passed the other exhibits and ducked into the performance tent.

“Anybody home?” he called.

Sophia bounded over with a dazzling smile and danced around him. “Oh it’s so good to see you, Phil. We missed you guys.” 

Phil eyed the chalk they were getting together to put on the platforms for the acrobats that had joined after Dan and Phil left. He felt a small pang in his heart for his past. He’d found everything he ever needed up in those rings.

“You know you’re always welcomed to join us while we’re here, Phil,” Sophia said warmly, seeing his train of thought clearly on his face. 

“I wouldn’t want Dan to feel pressured to go up there with me. His wrist still bothers him, but it wouldn’t be the same up there without him.”

“My wrist is  _ fine _ , you worrywart,” Dan said as he came up behind Phil and rested his chin on Phil’s shoulder. 

Phil smiled but leaned back against the warmth of Dan’s chest. 

“It’s not fine, you lunatic,” he murmured. 

He felt Dan shrug and then laugh in his ear. “Elephants.”

“What?” Phil sputtered a confused laugh. He turned towards Dan who was smiling sheepishly at him.

“Elephants, Phil. The Sparlin Bros. Circus had two elephants that someone just rescued and needs to place.  They don’t think they can survive alone and there’s not the money to get them back where they need to be anyway. I don’t want to traumatize them with more travel.  _ Please _ ?” His eyes shone.

“Do we have room for two elephants?” Phil asked incredulously. 

“We do if we accept the Harlison’s offer of selling us 200 acres of their land.” He winced. 

Phil threw his head back and laughed. Dan wrapped his arms around him and squeezed excitedly. 

“I’ve been looking at the layout since I got the letter this morning, I ran into Lenny when he was delivering Graham’s mail and got ours. I ran into Mr. Harlison on the way back and he said he’s been trying to get rid of that land for awhile now, it’s too much for him to take care of anymore.” He took a break from his mile a minute speech to take a breath, “Phil we have enough saved up but if you want to do something else with it or think it’s a bad idea, you have a say here too, obviously. Be generous though I’ll go with whatever you want because don’t tell anyone but I’m kind of ridiculously gone for you.”

Phil laughed again and pulled Dan in close. He ran his fingertips lightly down Dan’s back and smiled into his mouth as he kissed him gently.    
“What are our new family members names, then?” 

Dan crushed Phil in an overexcited hug. “Sunshine and Tiny.” He chuckled.

Phil shrugged wryly. “Better than Lion the lion?”

“Definitely not,” Sophia squeaked from their side. Phil jumped, suddenly remembering where they were. Sophia giggled and clapped.

“Elephants! How exciting!”

Dan nodded. “It’s going to take a lot of work getting ready for them. It gets cold here so we need to build–”

“Lucky you have an entire circus staying on your property with nothing to do all day that’s pretty fond of you two then isn’t it?” 

Phil beamed.

 

Phil wasn't cut out to work in a cabinetmaker company. He had no desire to work with his hands all day and was clumsy with tools that had no business being in his inexperienced possession. 

He couldn’t help thinking as he watched Sophia and Dan laugh together under the swings and rings he used to fly from that he was, however, cut out to train kids and adults alike gymnastic routines and balancing tricks with a gorgeous and brilliant man that woke up at his side each morning, while they ran an  _ actual _ animal sanctuary. He was cut out to feed and care for African lions and massive tigers, bears and soon to be elephants. 

No, Phil Lester was no cabinetmaker.  

  
  


 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please, please let me know what you thought!!!  
> This was the first chapter fic I ever sat down and really decided to write and stick to with a half assed schedule. I really enjoyed it even with all the ups and downs.  
> Thank you to everyone who's reblogged & commented it means the world. <3  
> I do have a piece started that is from Dan's POV of the year without Phil starting with his fall & I would love to write any other little snippets or fics related to BWADH just let me know!  
> If you'd like to  reblog on tumblr  I'd appreciate it!

**Author's Note:**

>  **Please** let me know what you think!
> 
> Thank you as always so much to the Word War Chats and everybody in them for helping me so much <3
> 
> Send me [ any asks you'd like](https://tortitabby.tumblr.com/ask)!  
>   
> 


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